


Perfect Dreams

by LunaMaryl



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Aged-Up Yuri Plisetsky, Anxiety, Assault, Ballet Dancer Katsuki Yuuri, Break Up, Cheating, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Misha the cat - Freeform, Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Please Don't Hate Me, Protective Mila, Protective Yakov, Protective Yuri Plisetsky, Shy Katsuki Yuuri, Viktor is a bastard, Viktor is a brat, Yuuri isn't speaking up for himself, motherly Lilia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-14
Updated: 2017-09-15
Packaged: 2018-10-31 13:23:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10900227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LunaMaryl/pseuds/LunaMaryl
Summary: Everything was supposed to be perfect. He is with Viktor, in Russia, training for another season. But Yuuri's world is slowly crumbling around him and he feels helpless and trapped in it. When things go too far, how will his life continue?





	1. Everything was so good...or was it?

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! 
> 
> For a while now I have this idea for this story stuck in my mind. Sorry for anyone looking for a happy ending between Yuuri and Viktor, but there won't be one.
> 
> But no worries! Yuuri will still end up happy! Viktor might not however...haven't decided yet...
> 
> I'm a bit of an unreliable writer, with horrible writer blocks, but even if i don't update in a while, it doesn't mean that the story is forgotten! 
> 
> English is not my native language, so some mistakes do slip in. sorry!

 

Yuuri was supposed to be happy. He moved to Russia with Viktor eight months ago, training under both his, Lilia’s and Yakov’s tutelage to prepare for the next season. They had made Hasetsu their home rink for a year, but decided to take advantage of the high-end facilities Russia had to offer for the upcoming season.

Their relationship had progressed in leaps, a tad too fast for Yuuri’s liking, if he was being honest. But Viktor was so physical in his affection that at some point Yuuri just couldn’t say no. Their first time together was…intense. And painful. No matter how much Viktor tried to calm him down, Yuuri just couldn’t relax. It didn’t help that he was still feeling so self-conscious about his body so much. But Viktor was being so loving and careful, whispering promises and proclamations of love all the time through.

Their sex life did improve slowly. At least Yuuri thought so for the first few months in Russia. But now…

 

Absent minded, Yuuri thought back to the last six months. Viktor had changed. Or maybe he didn’t? Maybe the Viktor he got to know was the fake one? The longer they spend in Viktor’s home, the colder he seems to become. At least it felt like it for Yuuri. He still came for cuddles, good-morning kisses and such, but his touch became less gentle, less affectionate. The smile became less honest.  Sometimes he would ignore Yuuri for hours, leaving the house, phone turned off. He never said where he disappeared to, and Yuuri was too shy to ask.

With a sigh Yuuri turned his attention back to the dishes he was doing. Another thing…Yuuri was doing the housework. All of it. Cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping. When they first arrived here, Yuuri sat down with Viktor and made a household plan, to make sure all chores were shared. It is currently pinned against the fridge. In the beginning, Viktor at least attempted to do his chores, or if he forgot, being all sweet and smothered Yuuri in cuddles as apology. Now he doesn’t even try to hide the fact that he is not doing anything. Hell, he even complained when Yuuri didn’t had dinner ready after a long day of ballet training. Viktor had been home for hours. It was his turn. Still, in the end Yuuri ground his teeth together and threw together a simple stir fry.

 

In the beginning, it was just these small things, but after a month Yuuri could feel the strain on his self-esteem. He felt less like Viktors boyfriend, no _fiancé_ and more like his housekeeper. Everything took a turn for the worse nearly four months ago. Lilia had to cancel their late afternoon lesson, so Yuuri decided to take a walk around the area by ice-rink. He was already familiar with the area around the apartment block they were living in, but he never really had the time to explore other parts of town. A flash of silver caught his attention when he passed a small café, and he stopped to take a closer look. Indeed, Viktor was sitting at a small table, enjoying a coffee and what seems to be a pastry. Naughty! With a grin, he stepped into the café, planning on teasing Viktor for breaking their strict diet (and maybe getting a taste of a pastry himself). He stopped when he saw another person, a young man probably around Viktor’s age, sitting next to him. Very close next to him. Hesitantly, he took a few more steps closer, on the inside contemplating if he should leave or not. Just when he decided to flee, the other man’s eyes settled on him, and he leaned closer to Viktor, pointing at Yuuri.  When Viktor looked up, his expression froze. For a moment Yuuri thought he saw Viktor’s eyes narrow in annoyance, before his face took on a calculating look.

“Ah, an autograph? Sure!” The words sounded nice, spoken with a wide smile, but Yuuri could see that it was fake. Bewildered, Yuuri starred at Viktor. An autograph? What..? Realisation came to him like a dagger stabbed through his heart. Viktor is _ignoring_ him. Didn’t want him here.

Before he could embarrass himself even more, Yuuri fled the café, running all the way back to their apartment. What did just happen? He collapsed on the couch, Makkachin, woken by his loud stumble into the flat, begging next to him for scratches. He didn’t move for hours. In his head he replayed the scene over and over again, trying to find various explanations for his partners behaviour. It was dark by the time he heard the front door open. When Viktor turned on the lights, he looked at him with a startled expression.

“What are you doing here, sitting in the dark? My silly piggy!” Ah,…there was that. At some point, Viktor began to call him ‘piggy’ again. Yuuri didn’t know why, he hasn’t gained any weight (in fact even lost some!) and he was sticking to his diet religiously. He supposes it could be seen as a be a term of endearment, but all Yuuri could associate this name with was as a jib at his unseemly figure. Viktor should know how this would affect him!

“I….what…Viktor?” How could Viktor be so casual after what happened? Did Yuuri read too much into it?

“I already ate, so I hope you didn’t wait up for me! I’m shattered, I’m off to bed! You shouldn’t stay up too much longer, you have a long day ahead tomorrow!” With that he was gone. Yuuri was only able to look after him with a stunned expression. Maybe he really was interpreting it wrong? Would Viktor be annoyed if he brought it up? Was it too late to confront him now? He could feel his anxiety overflowing, his breathing becoming more and more difficult. Quickly he rummaged through his bag, still sitting next to the couch, pulling out a small pillbox. As soon as he started training under Lilia and Yakov, they insisted on a full health check, including psychological evaluation. The medication he ended up with was actually quite efficient, his constant anxiety decreasing by a good amount. But nothing could have prepared him for this situation. He quickly took one of the pills, hoping they will work quickly. He never felt more miserable.

 

 

That was the beginning. Over the last few months there were several encounters that made him doubt Viktor’s….faithfulness. At first Yuuri dismissed the occurrences as his overproductive mind playing tricks on him. He tried to be more outgoing and, he thought back with a blush, more experimenting in bed. He thought, if he tried to be more like Viktor, more like the men he saw him with, his partner would be less inclined to stray. He lost more weight, trained more, to make his body look more appealing. He invested in contact lenses, even though he hated them so so much, to make his face look more appealing. It seems to work for a while. But Yuuri also felt less and less comfortable in his own skin. Viktor’s touch seems to burn into his skin, every time they had sex he could feel something in him break. He could feel that Viktor was not making love to him anymore. No longer were they looking lovingly into each other’s eyes. Viktor was taking pleasure from him, more often than not with Yuuri on all fours, he was rough and fast, and it hurt. Not just physically, but also psychical. The more he tried, the more Yuuri could feel his love, affection and adoration for Viktor die. He could feel himself slowly dying on the inside.

For the last two month Yuuri did not try to initiate any intimacy. He knew Viktor was cheating on him, knew he had a string of men he was seeing behind Yuuri’s back. Well, no, he wasn’t even attempting to hide it anymore. Just last week he came to the apartment, he could not call it his home anymore, to find a strange man in the living room. And Viktor introduced him as his _roommate!!_

Yuuri couldn’t even cry anymore. He was angry and disappointed. At this point he just turned around, and left to go to the ballet studio Lilia gave him a key for. The studio and the ice rink were the only save places Yuuri had left. Viktor was not home when he came back, but he couldn’t care anymore. He didn’t dare to step into the bedroom. Instead, he prepared the guest-room. He was a bit surprised by how much of his stuff was still stored in there. He never really realised that only a few of his decorations made their way into the shared living area.

The week has been awkward, to say the least. Viktor must have realised that he overstepped a line, as he tried to be as sweet and affectionate as at the beginning of their relationship. Well, for the first few days. They did not talk. God, Yuuri wanted to talk. Wanted to scream and rage at the person who was supposed to be his rock. Who was supposed to meet him where he was. In his head, the entire conversation was laid out. But every time he opened his mouth to voice his despair, his throat clogged up, and he had to run to the bathroom, either to throw up or trying to calm his nerves with medication. Viktor never followed him. Never explained.

 

So here he was, stuck in a situation that slowly drives him to his breaking point. And he was still doing the fucking dishes! Disgusted with himself he threw the sponge down, and went to grab his training bag. Viktor was not in. Lets hope he shows his face at the ice-rink. He was still his coach after all.

When he arrived at the ice-rink, Yuri, Mila and Yakov were already there. But no Viktor. Yuuri clenched his hands in anger. It was one thing to ruin their relationship. But Viktor has more and more also neglected their supposed training time, leaving Yuuri either alone on the ice, or under Yakov’s tutelage. The man did not seem to mind too much that he slowly became Yuuri’s full-time coach.

He only nodded at the others as he made his way on the ice, skating slow circles and simple figures to warm up. He stopped when he heard the door slam open, and Viktor’s excited voice echoing through the hall. Another man stepped into the hall after him.

Yuuri froze. It was the same man he saw Viktor with all these months ago in the café. Just as they were moving to the barrier, Viktor held out his hand, towards the other man, pulling him closer.

“Here is where I’m training! Isn’t it great?” Viktor pressed a kiss against the other ones cheek.

At this point something broke in Yuuri. A dam that had been held together by small threads broke free and Yuuri could feel a wave of rage and hate take over his mind.

“How dare you!...” The others stopped skating at his shout, not having noticed the new arrival yet. Yuri raced over to him, his eyes however fixed on the two figures at the barrier. His face was contorted into a grimace of pure despite.

“Yuuri! My piggy student!” Viktor seem to be totally obvious to what he has done. What he has been doing to Yuuri for so long. This was too much.

“Shut up!” Yuuri could feel the rage coursing through him. “How dare you bring this….this thing here! Of all places! Have you no conscious? Do I matter so little to you that you have to rip every single good thing from me? It was enough seeing you with all these men, knowing what you were doing with them, hell, you even took them to OUR bed!! Was everything a lie?? All the months, claiming you love me, that I was the only one for you. Does our promise matter nothing to you??” With shaking fingers he ripped off his glove, quickly followed by the golden ring he was still wearing.

“And you!!” He threw the ring at the other man. “Do you have no shame? Mess about with a man that is, was, engaged! Do you not care?”

The brunette looked at him with shock. “Engaged? Viktor, what...?”

“Oh, this is brilliant! Did he not tell you? That he was in a supposedly committed relationship for over a year, that he was engaged, to me, his fucking _piggy student_!” The man paled with every word, throwing a helpless look at Viktor. Said man was himself quite speechless for once in his live, good!, standing frozen in his place.

“And I swear, if you don’t fucking stop calling me a pig I will show you how sharp my skates are! Do I look like a pig to you? If you haven’t noticed, I am sure you haven’t, I am currently what counts as medically underweight. I tried, I tried so hard to be perfect for you! And you…you just….you basically keep me as a maid! Was I just convenient to live with cause I did all the housework? Was I a good enough fuck when your other flings didn’t have time? Did you even notice when I cried in pain when you just shoved it in, treating me like a cheap whore? Did you care that every time you fucked me I barely could walk the next day? Did you care that you made me a mental wreck? Did you care that I saw you with the other men? Or did it turn you on? Was it satisfying for you to know you had a stupid bedwarmer at home that would do anything for you, while you also had your fun? God, I don’t even want to know what kind of diseases you might carry!”

 

Everything, every frustration just flew out of him, like a tsunami he couldn’t, didn’t wanted to, stop. He finally had to let go. For himself. Viktor was like poison to him.

The silver haired man was still standing in his spot, mouth opening and closing like a fish. Really, did he expect Yuuri to just take everything he did to him without any complaints forever?

Yuri on the hand, in fact everyone else at the rink, looked outright murderous. Yuuri felt relieved. It means that they didn’t knew about Viktor’s unfaithfulness and lied to Yuuri.

Before Yuuri could stop him, the younger blonde one raced over to where Viktor was standing and socked him, straight to the face. It must have been with some amount of strength, because the older man could only flail for a bit before falling over with a pained shout. Before Yuri could land another hit, or worse, kick, Yakov stepped between them. Viktor’s date has long fled at this point.

“Viktor Nikiforov. I am so disappointed in you. This sort of behaviour is despicable. I would appreciate if you would leave these premises until you come to your senses and behave like an adult. I don’t think I want you around any impressionable students, who would think such behaviour is acceptable.”

When Viktor made an attempt to speak up, Yakov threw him an icy glare. “Leave. Now.”

With a last helpless glance around Viktor nearly raced out of the hall, holding his slightly bleeding nose. Yuri hoped it was broken.

 

With the departure of his once partner, Yuuri all but crumbled in his spot. Tears blurred his vision and his breaths came in short, desperate gasps. He could hear someone skate over to him, but couldn’t move himself to look up. Shame was burning on his face. He tried to supress the pained whimpers coming through his lips.

“Oh Yurachka…shhhh…come on, let it all out..” It was Mila, who caringly wrapped her arms around him, gently petting his back in a show of support.

“We need to get him off the ice. No need for him to get ill ontop of everything.” Yuuri could hear Yakov grumble in the distance.

“Da! Come on Yuri, give me a hand.” He could feel two sets of arms hoisting his still with sobs shaking body up and gliding towards the opening in the barrier. As soon as they stepped off the ice, someone, Yuri, he noted, quickly untied his skates. Together the group moved towards Yakov’s office, where a blanket was thrown over his shoulders and a hot cup of tea appeared in his hands.

“Yuuri…how long…?” The Asian man was surprised to hear the worry in Yuri’s voice.

“How long it went on, or how long I knew for sure?” He could see them nod from the corner of his eyes. “I suppose, I knew for the last four months….but even before that…Viktor changed. Just a couple of weeks after we got here he would be gone for hours on end…Do you think, already then, that he…?” Another sob wracked through him. He didn’t want to believe that even then, when they were still so in love, that Viktor already cheated on him. What changed? They were so happy in Japan. Or did Viktor simply just not had the opportunity back in Hasetsu? God, his head hurt. Everything hurt.

“Don’t think about that…that bastard!” Yuri plopped down next to him, carefully pulling him into a hug. “You are going to stay with me. No discussion. You better not annoy Misha though. She doesn’t do constant cuddles.” Yuuri had to smile slightly at the other ones description of his cat. The feline could be outright vicious if she had a bad day. Just like her owner!

Then Yuri’s words sank in and his brain went into overdrive. He broke up with Viktor. He had nowhere to stay. All his things are at the apartment they shared. He started to hyperventilate.

“Shhh…deep breaths, try to breath with me, can you do that?” It took quite a while for Yuuri’s mind to clear long enough to concentrate on the instructions.

“I’m sorry….” He whimpered, “I’m such a mess…” A mess and an embarrassment. What grown man would blubber like a teenager about the end of a relationship?

“Don’t be stupid. And don’t worry about your stuff. For now you can borrow some of my older clothes, they should fit you. Yakov, Mila and I will take care of getting all your things from there.”

Yuuri wasn’t sure how the other one knew what set off his panic attack. Did he say it out loud?

“Are you sure? I don’t want to be a burden….and you just moved into your own place, I don’t want to intrude….I know you have been looking forward to living on your own…” The other skater turned 19 just a few weeks ago and decided to finally get his own little 2 bedroom flat close by the ice rink. 

Yuri just grumbled something under his breath, but it seems like the decision was made.

Suppose he was moving in with an angry cat. And Misha.

“Thank you, Yuri.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Yuuri. Stupid Viktor.  
> I went a bit on a rant there with Yuuri...but i really dislike cheaters.  
> But it will get better! Next chaper (a bit shorter) is already finished, but i want to write at least another one before posting it! :P


	2. Time to settle....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a short intermezzo, of Yuuri moving in with Yuri. And caring team Russia!
> 
> Thank you for all the great comments already! As i said in the previous chapter, this will NOT be a happy end between Yuuri and Viktor, sorry.

 

Living with Yuri was different. In a good way. The first few days were exhausting. He slept on the couch, Yuri had not yet the time to furnish the guest room, now Yuuri’s room. It wasn’t bad, the couch was big and super fluffy. It was the nightmares that kept him up. His mind kept replaying every bad every bad scene between Viktor and himself.

Surprisingly, Misha turned out to be way more cuddly than both men expected. She would curl up next to him on the couch, or softly knead his side to wake him up when he was caught in a nightmare. 

Yuri’S idea of therapy after a break-up seems to be a lot of junk food, video games and dancing. Ok, the dancing was on Yuuri’s insistence, he wanted to go to the only place not tainted by Viktor. But the blonde was a good companion and joined him on every trip, no matter the time. Even though he stopped taking the intense ballet lessons from Lilia following his impressive growth spurt just a year ago, he was still as flexible and was able to mirror nearly every figure the older one showed. Yuri now towered over him, nearly a head taller than the Asian man. He really changed from the once nearly androgynous looking teen…

 

Yuuri hadn’t been skating for the last three days. He didn’t wanted to neglect his training, so he just shifted his concentration of ballet for a bit. He wasn’t ready to go back yet. He supposes he would have to talk with Yakov about a full-time contract. Yuuri doubted it would be a problem, but it would be even more of a sign that he and Viktor are truly over.

Today was Sunday, and the other members of the Russian team went over to the other apartment to collect his possessions. Well, now it might be a good thing that most of his things remained unopened in the guestroom.  Yuuri had thought about joining the others, but deep down he knew it would have been a bad idea. So he was left waiting. To distract himself he prepared a halfway healthy lunch (and a not so healthy dessert) for the other ones as a thank you for their work on their day off.

He was startled out of his thoughts when the door slammed open and a person with a pile of boxes barged into the flat. Going after the cursing, the person was the owner of the flat, shortly followed by a less loaded up Mila.

“Hey Yurachka! Mind giving us a hand? Yakov is keeping an eye on the van so no one nicks anything.” Van? He didn’t own that many boxes that they would require a van…

Slightly puzzled he followed the other ones downstairs. A medium sized van was parked in front of the building. And after a look in the back of it Yuuri understood why a van. Beside his few boxes, all essential furniture needed for the bedroom was crammed into the van. With a raised eyebrow he even spotted some pieces he was sure he knew from his old flat. Did they emptied Viktors flat while they were at it?

“Wow….guy…I..I would have gotten the new furniture! You really didn’t needed to take all the trouble on yourself…I should have helped!” Yuuri felt bad. Some of the furniture, like the bed and dresser, appear to be brand new. “I will pay you back!”

“Oh stop it! I needed to get furniture for the room anyway, and these are really just the essentials. You can still get some other pieces. Now help get this stuff up! I’m starving and that food smelled delicious!”

Yuuri couldn’t help but smile at the other mans’ antics. For someone trying to appear so thug, Yuri really was quite a softy at heart. Not that he would say that out loud. He didn’t wanted to get strangled to death in his sleep.

“Ok, let’s do this!”

 

It took them less than an hour to get everything up and at least the bed set up. Exhausted, all four wolfed down the meal he prepared, and Yakov didn’t even complain about them eating the calorie-rich desert.

After they finished and cleared the table, the old man cleared his throat, shuffling through his bag and finally pulling out a stack of papers.

“Here is your new contract with me. Terms and fees are as before, although a greater part of your training will be taken over by Lilia. She insisted on it. Said she wouldn’t waste talent or something. You just need to sign it.” With that he pushed the stack of papers, his contract, towards Yuuri, who looked at him perplexed.

“But…before I was only paying you for part-training! I can’t accept that! That would be unfair to the others!” Yuuri could see all three of them roll their eyes at him in fond exasperation. Traitors!

“Only you would complain about getting a good deal. The other part of the fee will be paid towards Lilia by you running some beginners classes or doing some commission performances for her.”

“What?”

Yakov looked at him with a pinched expression. “She wants to steal you from me. Says you have a lot of potential. She is making you her new pet-project I suppose.”

Yuuri had supress a grin at this. The decade old rivalry between the ex-couple strikes again. It wouldn’t be too bad to work under Lilia. Surprisingly, he gets along quite well with the stern ex-prima ballerina. She was strict, but supported him when he gets lost in his mindset when dancing. She didn’t turn him away when he said he wants to dance en-pointe, she even pushes him to get better. She made him feel good about what he was doing. And suppose it would give him an opportunity for work in the future, once he decides to retires.

 

With that in mind he grabbed the offered pen and quickly scribbled his signature at the end of the contract before he could change his mind.

Smiling, he pushed the stack of papers back to his new coach.

“Thank you. This means a lot to me. I know this can’t be easy on you either. Viktor was supposed to take over some of your other training courses. You don’t need to ban him just because of me…”

It would be hard seeing Viktor at the ice-rink, even worse if he brought another man again, but Yuuri knew he could at least try to act professional. There was no need for others missing out on their training, just because he was being weak.

Yakov snorted. “I will not have him back until he learns proper behaviour. I tolerated his antics long enough, and any attempt of mine to make him behave seemed to have no effect on him so far. If banning him from the rink is what might make him realise that he can’t treat other people like garbage just because he is famous, then so be it. I have enough of this. He used to be quite a sweet boy, but all the success went straight to his head, and makes him behave like an outright spoiled brat. I don’t quite know where it went wrong. I tried…I tried very much to keep him grounded, but…He has no measure of reality anymore. Viktor needs to learn a lesson.”

At this, Yuuri was a bit speechless. That must have been the most he ever heard the old man say. Seems like Viktor had it coming for a while. He knew that Viktor used to live with Yakov and Lilia when he was a teenager. The other man was always very tight lipped about his family, so Yuuri didn’t wanted to pry.

 

Mila and Yakov left shortly after, which left Yuuri and Yuri to unpack and move around the new furniture.

Yuri was just unpacking a box filled with little trinket’s Yuuri got from his parents, to remind him of home. They were slowly running out of surface space in his new room however.

“You know, I wouldn’t mind if we move some of them to the shared living space. Some of these things would fit quite well! And a bit of a mix and match makes everything look way more homely, don’t you think?”

Yuuri starred at him. Over several months Yuuri tried to sneak in some of his figurines and pictures in his and Viktors living room, just to find it moved the next time he looked, until he stopped trying, and here he was, just a couple of days in, and Yuri - brash and rude and unpredictable Yuri - accepted, even wanted to, them mixing their stuff. As if it was normal for people sharing a flat. Yuuri felt silly for suddenly bursting out in tears. Embarrassed, he hid his face in his hands as he sank down, shaking with sobs.

“Whaaa…what did I do? Yuu~ri…don’t cry!” he could feel the other one awkwardly trying to comfort him. It didn’t really work, but Yuuri appreciated the effort.

“I’m sorry, it’s nothing,…its just…I never realised how I didn’t really fit in with Viktor. Wasn’t wanted to fit in. It just hit me how wrong it sometimes felt in the apartment. Like I was just a passing visitor.”

Yuuri could basically feel the scowl on the blondes face. He tried to wipe away the tears still running down his face. “Don’t worry. I’m such a crier. Really….eh…so where do you think it fits best? We could put the dragon-figurine next to your tiger figure on the sideboard? What do you think?”

The taller man seems to contemplate for a second, before grinning. “Yep, I think that would work very well! And we could get one of these low tables in the living room, then we can use your pillow-seats, too!” Said seats were still in a box, cause they couldn’t find space for them at the moment.

“Are you sure? You already have a table in the living room…”

The other one just shrugged. “Nah…that one is crap anyway. I like the thought of it... It’s like a small piece of the onsen right here in St Petersburg! Style-mash-up deluxe! Do you think they do them in tiger print?”

Yuuri couldn’t help it. He burst out into a hysteric fit of laughter at that idea. The idea just sounded horrible. Yuri really was obsessed with tiger print. While he tried to wipe away his tears of laugher, he missed the satisfied smirk on the blondes face.

‘Mission accomplished.’ The other one thought.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished the following chapter sooner than expected! Not entirely sure if I will leave it like it is, as this story would take an unplanned turn to the dark (my mind sometimes wanders when I write and i ended up with something I actually didn't indended to happen!)...probably won't post again until next weekend though, sadly. Work is being a pain! Hope you keep reading!


	3. ...or not?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri and Yuri slowly settle in, but one evening might change everything...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really sorry for this chapter. don't hate me please!  
> This chapter is a bit on the dark side. But it will get better, promise!
> 
>  
> 
> Trigger warning for Assault and foul language.

 

They settled into a strange sort of routine the next few days. Having his own room gave Yuuri a place to calm down if he was feeling overwhelmed by things. But it also made him feel more lonely. In the old apartment, until the last week, and back in Japan, he always shared a bed with Viktor, and he got somewhat used to having someone with him. Misha presented a good source of comfort, not as much as Makkachin did, as she was indeed quite a queen.

Yuri was surprisingly tolerating to his antics. Sometimes insomnia would plague Yuuri, causing him to sit in the kitchen, trying to douse his overactive mind with a cup of tea. A few times, the blonde would poke his sleep tousled head out of his door, only to slam the door shut again with some Russian muttering. One morning, it couldn’t have been any later than 4 o’clock, when Yuuri tried to stifle his sobs after another bout of nightmares, trying to be as quiet as possible, Yuri stormed into the room, threw his ballet training bag at him and dragged him to the studio, cursing all the way under his breath. The action shocked him into silence, and it was only when gentle music began to sound through the studio and they started stretching, that he realised that Yuri apparently tried to cheer him up in his own, brash way.

 

He also went back to skating. At first, he was slightly apprehensive entering the ice rink, fearing Viktor appearing suddenly around every corner. His worry was unwarranted, as it seems no one has heard from the silver haired man since Sunday. Yuuri wanted to pretend that it didn’t concern him what his ex-partner was doing, but he couldn’t fool himself. Over the course of their relationship, he realised just how dependent Viktor seem to be on other people taking care of him. He is practically useless at nearly anything not related to skating. Hell, he would probably forget to do grocery shopping, surviving on the things Yuuri stored away in the cupboards or takeaway. Or booze. Viktor did like his alcohol. Not in a sense that Yuuri would say he had a problem, but whenever they went out he would end up being quite drunk. Let hope he remembers to feed Makkachin. Yuuri did buy a large bag of dog food just shortly before the incident, so there should be enough for a while…

Disgruntled wit himself, Yuuri tried to shake away the concern and concentrated on warming up on the ice. Yakov was currently busy instructing Mila in her new short programme. She was doing very well, winning gold at every competition last season and now striving to present an even better performance. She definitely has the potential.

Mila herself was also a great source of support for him. It was her who started to teach Yuuri more in depth Russian – Viktor never really realised that Yuuri would struggle with an entirely new language- and they both realised they had more in common than they thought. They both struggled with their anxiety, although Mila is doing so much better after years of therapy. Yuuri is getting there, and talking with her already helped. He wasn’t quite comfortable yet to talk to a therapist, although it was recommended to him during his medical. They both like children, and teaching. From time to time Yakov already had asked them to support the trainers responsible for the younger classes, and both of them enjoyed these times greatly. Maybe now that Yakov was his full-time coach he would be able to do more of them. They were quite a good team.

 

The other two finished, so when Yakov waved him over, Yuuri quickly skated to the barrier.

“I know you and Viktor were still working on putting the routines together. Do you have the music? Or do you want to change anything? Now is still enough time to do alterations.”

Yuuri bit his lip in contemplation. The topic Viktor had planned for him _was_ a bit too far out of his comfort zone. _Moulin Rouge_ , a bit too suggestive, a bit too Viktor, with over the top sensuality and technical. Not enough Yuuri, who preferred the more artistic display, flowing movements and enticing step sequences, clearly displaying his ballet skills. To Yuuri it felt as if Viktor tried to live his ended skating career through him, wanted Yuuri to be him.

“Well…maybe we could change it? I don’t want to be too much hassle…” Yakov just nodded, quickly noting down some points in his notebook, indicating him to continue. “Uh..I am working on a ballet routine with Lilia, maybe we could translate it to the ice?” The song they were using, a piano piece with soft singing, was one he stumbled over several years ago and always wanted to dance too. He did show it to Viktor, but the older man dismissed it as it didn’t fit with the topic he planned. Yuuri had tried not to be hurt by it, after all Viktor was his coach and probably knew better, but it didn’t stop him with showing it to his ballet instructor instead. They were nearly finished with the routine, so Yuuri was sure they could alter it for the ice, probably as his free skate.

“Hm…I will ask her. She might as well take over the coaching for that part, if we decide to go for it. Have you thought of a topic?”

Yuuri shook his head. “No, not really. But I will!” Yakov again nodded, putting away his notebook.

“Ok, don’t worry. And don’t rush it. Nothing is worse than a routine the skater is not happy with. The presentation points go straight down. We can’t have that happen, understood?”

“Yes, I will try my best not to disappoint you, coach!”

With that, Yakov send him back to skate, instructing him to train his jumps. His quad flip was nearly flawless by now, Viktor made sure of it. He still sometimes wobbled on his Salchow, but it definitely improved. Yakov had previously pointed out that he would have the strength to try a quad axel, but so far Yuuri doubted he ever would managed the rotation necessary. So for now he concentrated on the other quads, and strengthened his triple axel.

Overall, the training under Yakov and Lilia went quite well. The woman was nearly as ruthless on the ice as she was in the ballet studio, so more times than not, Yuuri arrived back at the flat totally exhausted.

It was good, training kept Yuuri’s mind occupied. Less time to contemplate his life. As Yuuri dropped down on his bed, he could hear Yuri putter around in the bathroom. They were planning to watch a new film in cinema with Mila, but Yuuri doubted he would be able to get back up. When his flatmate knocked on his door to tell him it was time to leave, he found the dark-haired man asleep onto of his duvet. With a sigh, he grabbed another blanket to cover the sleeping figure, mumbling something about ‘stupid katsudon, trying to get ill’. Before he left he set an alarm for the other one, to wake him up in about an hour and some instructions to eat the dinner he put in the fridge.

 

 

Surprisingly, the alarm was not needed, as Yuuri drowsily blinked his eyes open just a bit more than 40 minutes later. Surprised he looked around, trying to discern what woke him up. It was dark in his room, but he could see some light on in the hallway. A bad habit of Yuri to leave that light on. There was a rattling sound, and at first Yuuri thought it was Misha, knocking over something. Then he realised it was, in fact, knocking. At the front door. Yuuri frowned. The blonde teen never ever forgot his key. And even if he did, the porter at the front gate of the flat complex had spare keys for every flat, and had no issue opening doors if he knew it was one of the residents asking.

 

Hestiantly he made his way to the door, which was now rattling with someone trying to twist open the doorknob. Yuuri didn’t know what possessed him, and would question his decision for the unforeseeable future. Forgoing any common sense and his usually well tuned sense of responsible behaiour, Yuuri swung open the door without questioning the person on the other side. “Yuri, did you forget…”

But it wasn’t Yuri. No, the person standing in front of him was most definitely not his angry roommate, but a different very angry looking Russian instead. Vikor looked….different. His usually pristine appearance seemed rumpled, hair dishevelled, shirt wrinkled. And god, he _reaked!_ Before he could react, the other one pushed inside, nearly knocking Yuuri over in the process.

“Yuuuuri! You…little, stupid…you ruined it! We had something great going on and you just threw it away! …I gave you the world…ungrateful pig…so what that there were others? A man has needs,…you weren’t exactly forthcoming, now were yoou? …I had to show you _everything!_ And now you also messed up my relationship with Sasha!...what else was I to do? You were so boring in bed, always just whimpering like a pathetic….uh…and now I haven’t had sex in days!”

Yuuri was overwhelmed. Viktor clearly was drunk, if not the stench, his rambling told him as much, but god, the words hurt. Every derogative comment was like a stab to his chest. It didn’t help that with every sentence Viktor came closer, and at some point Yuuri ran out of space to scoot back to, so by now the taller one had him pressed against the wall of the hallway. He couldn’t breathe. He wanted to shout back at Viktor, but the other one appeared so unpredictable. He was scared.

Viktors hands were on him, and he couldn’t supress the frightened whimper escaping his lips.

“See!...that’s the one! You always do that…you should thank me that I even paid you so much attention…It was fun in the beginning…I liked to chase you…! Rare that I find a virgin that doesn’t make me look like a cradle robber…wouldn’t be good for my image, now would it?”

Oh god, where was this going? Was Viktor just trying to intimidate him? Beat him up?...or worse? He finally began to struggle. And even though he knew this was a bad situation, and that Viktor was out of his mind drunk, he did not expect the hard punch to his face. What…? He was stunned. Viktor never before physically assaulted him. His ears were ringing, but the pain also gave him more determination. With renewed strength, he began to struggle against the hold the man had on him, pushing the drunk man away, far enough to race across the hall towards his room.

 

However, he didn’t expect to be tackled in the back rugby-style. He felt flat down, smashing his face against the floor in the process as he was too slow to break his fall with his arms. So much for skaters balance.

“What the….! Viktor get off me!!! You are fucking drunk! Please! Stop this…!!” He now struggled with all he had, but the other one was not only heavier than him, but also stronger. In the position they were in, the taller one definitely had an advantage, being able to pin him down with most of his weight. He could already feel the strain on his legs and back.

“Silly Yuuri…trying to struggle, are you trying to excite me?…Can you see what you do to me?...hmm….I wasn’t planning to, but if you invite me so nicely…”

Yuuri felt sick. Tears began to form in his eyes, and he couldn’t supress his panicked sobs. God, what is happening? He couldn’t see anything, still laying on his front and dazzled from the hit to his face, but he could _feel._ And Viktor was definitely starting to be aroused. Disgust welled up in him. He can’t believe that this creature is the same man he felt in love with. The one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. How could this man change so much? Was it just the alcohol clouding his mind, or was this the true Viktor Nikiforov?

Trying to ignore the hardness pressing into him as best as he could, he wriggled on ground, trying to find some way to shake the other off. By chance, Viktor moved his weight, attempting to trap Yuuri’s hands, the man on the ground managed to twist around and placed a hard kick against his captors’ lower half. It was quite effective. The silver haired man crumbled to the side, holding his crotch with a pained grunt.

 

Yuuri lost no time, and quickly crawled to his room, slamming the door shut and locking it. He raced to his bedside table where his phone sat and desperately dialled the first number in his caller list.

“Yuuri, aren’t you supposed to be out with the others? What have they done now?” Yakovs grumpy voice sounded through the speaker, and Yuuri nearly wept in relieve.

“Yakov…please…” he tried to control his breathing. “Viktor,…he…. _he’s in the flat!_...he’s drunk and he…he tried…”

Yuuri hoped Yakov could make some sense of his rambling, but he guessed by the cursing and sound of hurried steps from the other side of the phone, the man clearly understood the urgency of the incident.

“Yuuri, are you ok? Where are you now?” He could hear a car door slam shut and a motor start. Yakov was driving.

“In my room…I managed to get free and looked the door,…but he still out there!”

“Ok…I won’t be long...can you barricade the door for me? Just to be safe? I doubt he will be able break down a door…”

Yakov had keys for all of his senior skaters homes in case of emergencies (usually it was sudden illness or injury), and Yuuri knew he only lived a 15min drive away. Well, 5min drive Yakov style.

With shaking hands, Yuuri was able to move one of the small dressers partially in front of his bedroom door. He couldn’t hear anything from the other side, but also didn’t hear the front door, so Viktor was still in the flat. It felt like eternity until he heard Yakov again.

“Ok, I’m at your apartment block. Just a few moments….” With that the old man hung up the phone. Shortly after he could hear the front door rattle open.

“Yuuri? Viktor?....Fucking hell…” He could hear Yakov move about in the hallway. “Yuuri? Can you hear me? Seems like Viktor passed out cold. Can you come out?”

With a sniffle, Yuuri managed to push the dresser back far enough that he was able to open the door wide enough to see Yakov’s concerned face looking back at him. As soon as the older one saw his face, another wave of curses spilled from his lips. He pushed against the door, now fully opening it.

“This fucking bastard…” with a surprisingly gentle hand Yakov swept a few lose strands of Yuuri’s hair out of his face to get a better look. “That may need the hospital…”

Yuuri froze. Hospital meant questions. Questions he was not sure how to answer. And that would lead to other authorities being involved. There was no way he would be able to excuse the state of his face as being caused by an accident. “No!...I don’t…I don’t want them to question me….or the police to get involved…”

Yakov clearly disagreed. “This is not open for discussion. You will go to the hospital. We need to make sure that nothing is broken. As for the police…” he sighed. “I really want to call them, but…I’m not sure if that would be smart either…he smells like he took a bath in vodka…and who knows what else. I doubt he was quite aware of what he was doing.” He looked back into the hallway, where Yuuri could see the crumbled figure of his once lover. “Also, I doubt the police would care about what in their eyes would be a ‘small domestic’.” He sounded disgusted. Yakov sighed.

“Ok, can you walk?” Yuuri tested his legs. He was shaky, and he could feel something what he hoped to be just a strained muscle twinge up his right leg. “I think so…?”

“Good. Go to the kitchen, get something to ice your injuries. Can you do that? I have to make a couple of phone calls, get someone to move _him_ out of here, and then we are heading to the hospital, understood?”

 

Yuuri nodded, and slowly made his way to the kitchen. They had an entire stack of cooling packs in the freezer, skaters were prone for bruises, so he grabbed two, one for his face and one for his leg, before collapsing at the kitchen table.

This was so surreal. What did just happen? He didn’t have the strength or willpower to supress his sobbing now. He could hear Yakov’s angry voice echoing from the hallway, but couldn’t concentrate enough to understand the words. He wants Viktor gone. Out of his life. If there was any love left in him before this evening, the other man definitely managed to destroy it.

What a mess.

He just wanted to sleep and pretend all was just one big, horrible nightmare.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said previously, the chapter did not end up as I expected. I can, however, promise that this is the worst thing to happen to poor Yuuri! 
> 
> There will be a chapter with Viktors point of view in the future. He has issues. He knows that. (I know that :P)
> 
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> next update maybe Wednesday or Thursday!


	4. A visit to A&E

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Russia takes Yuuri to the hospital. Will he be alright?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another shortish chapter, sorry! The next one will be longer.
> 
> Thank you for all the great comments already! I hope I can keep up with the writing!

The following hours were chaotic, to put it simple. Apparently, the person Yakov called was the now retired Georgi, the only person beside Yakov and Viktor to own a car and to live close by. It probably also was of advantage that Georgi knew Viktor for years and knew how to handle him and not raise too many suspicions from the neighbours.

Just as he drove off with the still passed out Viktor, Yuri and Mila stormed into the flat, instantly running toward Yuuri and Yakov. Yakov had called them next, he knew they would not forgive him if he kept them out of the loop, even if it was just for a few hours. As soon as Yuri saw the state the Asian man was in, he exploded. It was only Yakov holding him back that kept him from storming after the car, with threads of a very painful death spewing from his lips.

Mila looked shocked. She has known Viktor for years, and never she would have imagined him assaulting someone like that. Especially Yuuri. With tears in her eyes she enveloped said man in a gentle hug. “Oh Yuuri…how are you doing? Have you been checked up yet? Do you need any pain medication?”

The other one leaned into her arms, and shook his head. “Yakov was about to take me to the hospital…I don’t want to take anything until they say its ok to.”

“Well what are we waiting for? If I can’t beat the shit out of this fucker, the least we can do is to get you the hospital!” Yuri was still pacing angrily back and forth. He seem to fight an internal battle, his expression changing from rage to worry to rage again. When no one moved, he snapped out of it.

“Well, hurry up! What are you waiting around? Can’t you see he is in pain? You should have brought him to the hospital first thing!”

With the support of Mila, Yuuri managed to get up and slipped into his trainers and a comfy fleece jacket.

“What, and let you find Viktor passed out in your flat, with no trace of Yuuri? I don’t think so.” He could hear Yakov mutter to the young Russian. Yeah,…he did not want to think about what Yuri would have done. Viktor would deserve it, but he didn’t want the other one get into trouble over him. When they passed through the hallway he tried not to look at the spot Viktor threw him down. He still could see some small specs of blood on the floor from where his head hit it. He pressed his eyes close, trying to supress the shiver that overcame him thinking about what happened. What could have happened. So far, he has been strangely numb, as if his mind hasn’t quite caught up with everything. But he could feel the whirlwind that were his emotions, just lurking under the surface, ready to drown him any minute.

 

Slowly they made their way down to Yakov’s car parked in a visitors spot outside the building. The porter threw them a concerned look, having noticed the high amount of traffic up and down to their flat. Yuri decided to have a word with him later about how _exactly_ Viktor managed to sneak pass him. But then, they never thought of putting the man on the ‘do not let enter’ list. They carefully lowered Yuuri into the back of the car. Surprisingly, it wasn’t Mila that went to sit with him, but Yuri. At first, he was sitting quite stiff, still feeling the rage course through him, but he managed to calmed himself down enough to offer support to the other man. Yuuri’s resolve to avoid body contact, to be strong, crumbled after an especially bumpy pothole made his body lurch in unexpected pain. He slowly slid closer, letting the less injured side of his face rest on the other ones shoulder. He could feel the tears starting again, probably quickly soaking through Yuri’s shirt. Instead of the apology he wanted to mumble, only a low whine managed to leave his throat.

“Shhh…we are already close to the hospital. Everything will be fine.”

 

 

Being in A&E did not help to calm his anxiety. There were too many people around, starring. Yuuri just wanted to sink into the ground. To his surprise, they proceeded to an examination room quite quickly. He had his suspicions that it had something to do with the long talk Yakov had at the front desk. He came back quite pinched faced, but with a confident smirk on his lips.

A medic stepped into the room. “Yuuri Katsuki? I head you had a bit of a stumble…” He looked up from his notepad, a bit surprised by the small army of people standing protective around his new patient. “Uh…I appreciate that you are concerned for your friend, but I will need a bit of space to examine him. I assume it is not just the facial injury?”

The others stepped back slightly to let him to his patient, indicating to him to lie down on the examination table. Yuuri nodded shyly.

“Uh…yeah, I felt down straight on my face…but I think I might have pulled something in my leg? And back?” He could hear Yuri growl in the background at this admission. Ashamed he looked down at his hands, fidgeting slightly. He was so weak. He didn’t even really fight back! He could feel the tears burn in his eyes again.

“Well lets start with the face, ok? How intense would you rate your pain? Can you move your jaw for me?” The medic tried to be gentle as he felt along his face, Yuuri still couldn’t supress a hiss of pain as he poked at an especially tender area below his eye.

“I don’t quite know…I mean it hurts, but it’s not completely intolerable?” The man nodded, drawing his own conclusions from the examination.

“So far I wouldn’t say that anything is broken. You were lucky. It was smart to apply the ice as soon as possible, it definitely kept the swelling down. It probably will look worse before getting better in the next few days, but it really appears to be just some bad bruising.” Yuuri nodded in relieve. “Now lets see the rest. You said maybe your leg and back? Could you please strip down so I could examine it properly? I can give you some privacy for a minute if you would feel more comfortable with it. If you want, I could give you one of these horrible hospital gowns, but I would have to move it anyway to examine your back…”

 

Yuuri was hesitantly for a moment. He imagined that he must have some quite impressive bruises on his body from when Viktor tackled him. He didn’t want the others to see. Didn’t wanted Yuri to see. The younger one already seem so full of anger, he feared a full look at his body might drive him into a rampage. He looked at the others faces, seeing their worry.

“Uh…could maybe everyone leave? For that bit?...Except,… Mila? If you don’t mind, please?” He could see the other two men disliking the thought of leaving him out of their sight, but he just couldn’t have them see yet. He knew if was somewhat unreasonable, especially Yakov who was the first one to help him. Nonetheless, they obliged with his request, moving to stand in front of the door instead.

Mila helped him getting his clothes off, thankfully he was still just wearing his training clothes, so it was easy work. He could hear her startled gasp when she saw the state of his legs and back. Looking down a himself, he was quite surprised. He didn’t expect the dark bruises that already started to form. He must have fought back more than he remembered.

Yuuri heard the medic stepping back into the room. The man took an initial glance at his legs, but then indicated to him to lay down on his front so he could examine this back. “Quite a tumble, you said?” Yuuri could hear the sub-question, but couldn’t bring himself to answer. The examination thankfully didn’t took too long.

“Well, there is some bruising at your lower back, and a slightly pulled muscle from an unfortunate twist, I would say. This might also cause the discomfort you mentioned about your leg. I will prescribe some pain medication, and a cream that will help with the swelling and muscular pain. You should avoid exercise for at least a week, and come back as soon as anything seems to get worse, ok?”

Yuuri nodded, slowly sitting up. He could do that. He was glad that none of his injuries seem greatly serious. The medic looked at him with a stern expression.

“However, I have to urge you to consider pressing charges against whoever did that to you. I know you must be scared, but keeping silent will just let an abuser run free, and maybe cause harm to other people too.”

It became difficult for Yuuri to swallow now. He did dread the questions. Hastily, he shook his head.

“No!...No, I just…I just want to go home, please?”

The medic nodded, there was no reason for him to keep Yuuri any longer. He did insist that he took a card with numbers and several pamphlets with him. Embarrassed and self-conscious he stuffed them into his pockets, and quickly followed Mila out of the room, joined by Yakov and Yuri.

“All clear. Just need to get some pain meds and then we can go…”

The two men nodded at him, Yuri still with a deep scowl marring his face. What did these two talk about? Seeing their expressions, it can’t have been good. Noticing his insecure look, Yuri was quick to smoothen out his expression.

“Stop worrying Yura. Lets get you home, ok?” He gently leads him by his arm out of the hospital towards the car, while Mila quickly collected his medication from the counter.

Silence dominated the drive back. It was slightly tense, but not awkward. Additionally, Yuuri was already feeling quite drowsy, after being urged to take a dosage of painkillers straight away, so he wasn’t up to talking anyway. The numbness hasn’t left him yet, either.

He just about managed to stumble up the stairs to their home, eyes nearly closed. He didn’t resist when Mila gently helped him to lie down in his bed, tucking him in and placing his mediation together with a bottle of water on his bedside table.

He felt asleep with her still sitting beside him, gently talking to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, turned out it wasn't anything too bad phyisically with Yuuri. One more chapter and then there will be a Viktor POV!
> 
> Will see how much am I able to write today, I'm feeling dead after spending 9.5h on various trains through England in the last 2 days T_T


	5. We will get through this

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after. Bonding time between friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me again :P Another chapter! I'm on a roll. Bit of bonding time between Yuri, Yuuri and Mila.  
> Lots of emotional up and down, really.

Yuuri woke with a strangled scream. The movement of hastily sitting up made him wince in pain. His muscles were definitely sore. He carefully tested each of his limbs, to see in what state his body was in. It wasn’t too bad. Painful, but not unbearable. However, the numbness that previously stopped him from really comprehending yesterday’s events was now absent. His mind was like a tornado went off in there.

He felt back into bed with a groan. Viktor had…assaulted him. Beat him, hurt him, not only with his words, but physically too. Yuuri knew that the other one acted fuelled by alcohol. And who know what else he might have taken, to make him act so crazy. It didn’t make the experience any less horrifying. Less painful. He was well aware it could have gone so, so much worse. What if he hadn’t got loose when he did? Would Viktor really have went through with his threat? Yuuri couldn’t supress the shudder running through his body. Just thinking about Viktor made him feel disgusted.

 

He felt the bile rise in this throat, and quickly had to race to the toilet, ending up kneeling in front of the toilet. Nothing was really coming up, his stomach being completely empty. Thinking back, the last time he ate something must have been around lunch time the day before. Yuuri heard steps behind him, and soft cursing, before he felt a hand soothingly caressing his back, trying to get him to relax the tenseness in his neck and shoulders. A wet cloth appeared in front of him, gently wiping away the spit, tears and sweat that still covered his face.

“I’m so sorry.”

Eh? Confused, Yuuri looked up at the other one. Why was he apologising?

He must have voiced his question out loud, because the blonde elaborated.

“If I had woken you up, or stayed with you, all of this wouldn’t have happened! I shouldn’t have left you alone. I…you moved in here to be safe, and he destroyed that, and I wasn’t there…” With shock Yuuri noticed the tears collecting in Yuri’s eyes. Yuri was…crying? About him? For not protecting him? Yuuri felt strangely touched, the younger one really must care about him. He didn’t know what to say to make it better, didn’t know if there even was anything that would make it better, so he did the only thing that came to his mind. He pulled Yuri into a crushing hug. The younger man didn’t resist, and it didn’t took long for both of them sitting on their bathroom floor, crying against each other’s shoulder.

They were not alright. They both felt violated by what happened the night before. Viktor had violated their safe place with his intrusion, and it will probably take them quite while until they could go back to feel comfortable in their home again. It will be difficult. They both were not good with words. There probably will be some shouting and even more crying. But they will manage. Yuuri was determined that they will manage. He will not let Viktor take this away from them.

It took a couple of minutes for both of them to calm down.

“Will you be ok to take a shower? Or maybe a bath? It would probably help with the muscles…Do you need anything?"

Yuuri had to smile a bit at this totally different side the usually so angry teenager was displaying towards him. Even before, with all the cursing and insults thrown left and right, Yuuri knew there was a softer, gentle and maybe even insecure side in Yuri. He just never expected it to be shown towards himself. Didn’t thought he would ever be able to earn the other ones trust enough.

“A shower will be fine for now…I want to get rid of…the dirt.” They both knew it wasn’t just physical dirt he was talking about. He wanted to wash away the hands he could still feel on his body.

But Yuri just nodded, well aware that there was nothing at the moment he could do to make this better for the slightly older man. “Mila should be up by now too. She stayed the night. I was thinking about making sweet blini and fruit salad for breakfast. That ok with you?”

When the other one nodded, he slowly made his way out of the bathroom and closed the door behind him, giving Yuuri some privacy.

 

Said man took a deep breath, trying to get a better grip on his emotion after this little outburst. He wasn’t ok, far from it, but he was just so tired to feel weak all the time. With renewed energy, he pulled himself up and quickly undressed. He tried not to look down at his body and avoided the mirror at all cost. He was not ready for that yet. After adjusting the temperature of their shower to nearly scalding hot, Yuuri stepped underneath the spray, hissing slightly at the sting as the hot water hit his sore muscles. He longed for a soak in his parent’s onsen right now. Longed for the calmness and comfort of his childhood home. He remained motionless underneath the spray, just letting the water wash away everything for now.

A knock on the bathroom door pulled him out of his thoughts. “Yuuri, are you ok? You have been in there for a while…” Mila’s voice echoed through the door.

“So..Sorry!” He cleared his throat. “I will be out in a minute!”

After standing under the hot spray for a few more seconds, he quickly scrubbed himself down, before turning off the water. Now shivering, he swiftly towelled himself dry, trying to chase some of the heath back into his body. It was only then that he realised he missed one crucial thing. Fresh clothes. With distaste, he starred at his dirty clothes on the floor. There was no way he was going to wear them again. Burn them, more likely. Sighing, he looked for the largest towel in their stack and tried to cover himself as best as possible. He was tempted to do a mad dash across the hallway, but Yuuri knew it would be a bad idea with the state his body was in. Cautiously, he peaked into the hallway. Relieved to find it empty, he made his way to his room, trying to stay as quiet as possible when he closed the door behind himself.

After getting dressed, he quickly grabbed some of the prescribed painkillers Mila put out for him and swallowed them with the water on his bedside table, before slowly making his way over to the kitchen.

 

Both Yuri and Mila were already sitting at the table, each having a plate of food in front of them. However, they barely seemed to have touched their food. If Yuuri was being honest, the thought of food made him feel slightly nauseous again. He knew it probably was more from the complete lack of food and his earlier date with the toilet bowl, and tried to force the nausea down. He sat down, but couldn’t bring himself to fill his plate just yet.

“You need to eat something. Please?” Mila looked at him with pleading eyes. I was only then that he noticed how red rimmed they appeared. Taking a closer look, he could see that both of them looked just as exhausted as he felt. He knew it was unreasonable, but it made him feel incredibly guilty. This couldn’t be easy for any of them. He could feel the confidence and strength he managed to collect earlier crumble like a sandcastle meet by a wave. Yuuri tried to supress the tears that shot into his eyes. Again.

“I’m sorry…this is all my fault!...If I…if I hadn’t been here…I should have moved somewhere else. No,..I should have stayed with Viktor! It’s my fault he was like that! If I hadn’t confronted him like this..if I just had put up with it…” he now full on sobbed. God, he was pathetic!

“SHUT UP!!!” Yuuri looked at the blonde, who jumped up in rage, with his fist slamming against the table, shocked. Yuri’s entire body shook with barely supressed emotions. “Don’t. Don’t you dare to say stuff like that. Don’t dare to think something like that!! How? How should this be your fault? HE lied to you. HE cheated on you. HE hurt you! It is Viktor’s fault, and his alone! You didn’t ask for this to happen. You didn’t deserve it to happen. So never, ever say these things again, you understand??”

Yuuri could only nod at that, stunned. He understood what the other one was saying. Deep down, he knew Yuri was right. But there still was this little voice in the back of his mind, telling him he deserved this, deserved the pain for abandoning the other one. It was totally irrational, he knew that! The anxiety that always made him feel inadequate, worth less that his peers came back with full force. He wasn’t confident. He wasn’t strong. He was just Yuuri. Weak, and crying all the time. He couldn’t even protect himself against someone blackout drunk!

 

When he felt strong arms wrap around him, he froze. His breath caught in his throat. He wasn’t in the kitchen anymore, but in the hallway, on the floor. Someone was on top of him. There was screaming.

Who was screaming?

He struggled to breath. It took Yuuri a few moments to realise that the screams were coming from his own throat. It took even longer to notice that the arms were gone. Mila was kneeling in front of him, talking soothingly to him, trying to coax him to relax his breathing. What happened?

His breath still came in short gasps, eyes burning from his tears. Wiping them away, he noticed a hunched over figure on the other side of the kitchen. Yuri? What happen?

He must have voice the question out loud this time, as Mila’s face twisted into a grimace.

“Yuri hugged you…and then you started screaming and struggling and…I don’t know. I think you had a flashback? What do you remember?”

Yuuri struggled, not just with his words, but also his memory. “I…I was back in the hallway….Viktor…he was on me…I couldn’t get him off…” his breath hitched. “I don’t understand. I was fine. Earlier. We hugged…and there I was totally fine. What’s wrong with me?”

Yuuri could hear a strangled sound coming from the other man in the room. It sounded pained. Mila looked at him with sad eyes.

“There is nothing wrong with you. You just got assaulted, it is natural for you to get scared by things. It doesn’t make you weak or abnormal, so don’t even start thinking like that! Something we did must have triggered this flashback. I’m sorry. We will learn from this, ok? This is all a learning process. Everything will get better.”

Yuuri nodded, already exhausted. What Mila said sounds reasonable. He still felt bad for scaring them. Scaring Yuri.

“Yuri…? Can you please come here?” With pleading eyes he looked at the figure of his housemate. He could see the hesitation in his movement, but he still slowly inched forward. Yuri stopped, just out of arms reach.

With a huff, Yuuri propelled himself up, and gently wound his arms around the blonde. He could feel him stiffen in his embrace.

“I’m sorry Yuri. I didn’t meant to scare you.” With a hush, he silenced the other ones protest. “I just don’t want you to think I’m scared of you. I don’t want my mind to be scared of you, either. Don’t…don’t think you need to keep your distance, ok? We started to get along so well before yesterday and…I would miss that. Please? Lets work on this? Together?”

He could feel Yuri nodding against his shoulder. He was still a bit tense in his arms, but Yuuri was sure the other one understood.

 

He wasn’t well at the moment, but he was determined to reclaim his life. He would need all the help he could get, would get scared, and probably cry more than he was comfortable with, but…

…Yuuri was pretty sure the other ones would do everything in their power to help.

That thought alone already lifted a heavy weight off his chest.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I adore bonding time between these three. I always feel like Viktor might be a bit to air-headed (and forgetful) to remember propper bonding time with the other team mates. At the moment, Mila is still a bit of a wild playing card in this story. Not entirely sure what do with her in future. She kinda took over the role of Yuuri's big sister. but apart from that, no idea :/  
> I know it seems like Yuuri is just jumping from confident to mental wreck from one moment to another, but tbh thats for me how emotions are. not really possible to grasp or stick to. Its a bit difficult for me to write just one singular mood. and from my experiece, assault makes it even harder to control your emotion. One side wants to shake everything off, being reborn, while the other side is cowering, never wanting to leave a safe place again.  
> Sorry, enough blabbering from my part! Just thought i would try to explain a bit. 
> 
> So next up: Viktor. How is he faring?  
> The chapter is only partially done atm, but it feels like it will be a long one, so i might postponing posting again till Saturday!


	6. I am a monster

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Viktors POV. 
> 
> His life was going great. He had the love of his life, Yuuri with him. And everyone loves him. Didn't they?
> 
> When did everything go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...this chapter is...different.   
> Viktors POV about the whole thing. Be prepared for total disillusion, selfishness and unresonable behaviour. 
> 
> I might still rewrite this one a tiny bit! Not entire sure about it.

Viktor woke up with a pained groan. God, it definitely had not been a smart idea to substitute three days of nutrition with alcohol. Or take one of the small little pills one of his…acquaintances gave him a few weeks ago. His head hurt like hell. Rolling onto his back he covered his face with his hands to block out the beams of sun that woke him in the first place. Well, at least he tried.

When he tried to move his right arm up, he was meet with resistance. Confused, he looked down. Was that…cuffs? He moved his arm again. Definitely cuffs! Soft ones, like they maybe would use in the hospital to keep patients still, but cuffs nonetheless. He looked around. No, he definitely was not in the hospital. He was in his bedroom. So how did he end up cuffed to his bed?

With a groan, he let his head fall back into the pillow. If his head would stop hurting he might be able to remember what happened last night!

 

Viktor looked up when the door opened.

“Georgi? What are you doing here? Care to tell me why I’m cuffed to my bed? Didn’t thought that was your thing…” he said with a cheeky grin. On the inside, he tried to get his brain to cooperate and provide him with the information he needed. Please, of all things, don’t let him have slept with Georgi, of all people! He couldn’t supress a slight grimace of distaste.

“Shut up.”

Huh? Georgi’s voice sounded outright arctic, matched with a just as cold expression on his face. That was very out of character.

“I took the freedom of removing any kind of alcohol or drugs I could find in this flat and your car. Here are a few rules, you understand? Until you are completely sobered up and off whatever high you were on, the cuff stays on. Then, I will call our physician over, who will take a blood test, to see what’s still in your system and…your ‘general health’. No matter what the result, I or Yakov will not let you out of our sight for the next few days. Viktor, I always saw you as my friend, and it hurts me to say that, but you are out of control. Until we are sure you are functioning like a responsible human being, you will basically be under house arrest.”

Viktor did the only thing that came to his mind at this point. He laughed. “Aw…what did I do this time to make Yakov mad? I can’t believe he got you to play along with this little idea of punishment!” his laughter slowly died when he basically could slice the awkwardness and coldness emitting from his former rink mate. “Oh come on, you are not seriously thinking of going through with all of this? It can’t have been that bad! And I’m not even his skater anymore, so I don’t know why he even cares!”

Georgi just threw him another icy glare. “It doesn’t matter if you are a skater anymore or not, we cannot allow you continue like that. You are not only an embarrassment, but also a danger to other people. What you did…its despicable. Right now, I am ashamed to know you.”

 

What exactly DID he do? It must have been bad, for Yakov to go to these lengths. Viktor pressed his eyes close, trying to remember. To be honest, everything had been a bit of a haze since that day in the ice-rink. Since Sunday. Since Yuuri broke up with him. He really didn’t expect that to happen. He always thought they fit so well together. Yuuri was so easy to mould, so willing to please, that he could definitely see himself grow old with the other man. They were perfect for each other. Everyone said so. But he was the first one to ever break up with him. It took him by total surprise.

After trying to talk things through with Sasha, and failing – the other one was not answering any of his calls -, he went home to collect his thoughts. Makkachin greeted at the door, but seemed confused by the lack of her other human following. With a huff, she had rolled up on a bed he couldn’t remember ever getting her.

Viktor was angry. Never in his life before he has been treated like that. And semi-public! Quite some nerve! Since apparently he wasn’t going to have anyone to cuddle with, he did the next best thing to calm his nerves, grabbing a bottle of expensive alcohol.

He loves, loved?, Yuuri, really. His shy demeanour was so different from the usual flock of men and women throwing themselves at him. It was fun to woo him, knowing he’s the first to do all these things to Yuuri. It was comfortable. Soothing. He was able to develop a completely different Viktor. He didn’t needed to pile the other one with expensive gifts and elaborate gestures. All he asked for was for him to be ‘just Viktor’. Not the idol, the star. It was refreshing. The time they spend in Japan was some of the best time of his live. He was feeling a bit down after retiring for good, and the Japanese man tried his best to keep him happy. It was nearly sweet to see him so devoted. Nearly like a human Makkachin!

Of course, there were things that annoyed him, too. While it was endearing how shy Yuuri was, he was quickly at the end of his patience by how _slow_ he was to reciprocate sexual favours. He was a very affectionate man, and some of his previous partners would often comment on his nearly insatiable want for physical contact and sex. Yuuri was like the opposite. At first, Viktor thought he would just need to get him used to it, and then he would be more confident, more like the Eros he saw that night at the banquet. The one he felt in love with. He longed for Yuuri’s Eros. So much, in fact, that he resolved to piling the other one with alcohol a few times to get him to fulfil Viktors more experimental needs. The first time it happened was really an accident, they were celebrating Minako’s birthday, but Viktor just loved the end result.

Drunk Yuuri was fun. Not really coordinated enough to do a proper blowjob, he found out, but he was able to work around that. He was more flirty, more vocal. Wouldn’t scrunch up his nose in distaste if Viktor upped the pace a bit, his grip a bit more passionate. Most occasions Yuuri didn’t seem to remember the next day, and if he did, he would apologise profoundly for being ‘an embarrassment’. It was endearing. Viktor still thought that yes, he could settle for this. Being Just Viktor. Maybe a bit quieter than he would have liked his life to be, but he was sure there were ways to make things more entertaining. Pushed down the restlessness inside him.

 

He found his way a few weeks after they moved back to Russia. It felt good to be back home. He had become to feel a bit restless with all the peace. While in Hasetsu he was still quite well known, it was not comparable to St Petersburg. Here he was Viktor Nikiforov. The living legend. He didn’t even really realise how much he missed the attention and excitement. He felt back into the role quite easily. Yuuri was kept busy by training not only under Viktor, but also Yakov and Lilia. That gave him the time to pursue a few other opportunities. 

He stumbled across Alexander, or Sasha as he affectionately called him, by chance. It was a total cliché scenario, too! He was at a meeting for a possible modelling job when he saw him. Even though Sasha definitely had the looks to be in front of the camera, he preferred to be behind it. He just finished up a photo shoot, and Viktor was supposed to be his next model for a few test shoots.  Viktor could see the lust in the other ones eyes, and, to his own surprise, could feel his own rising. He loves Yuuri, but he couldn’t help to also lust for this beautiful creature in front of him. Who was shamelessly flirting with him. After being with only one person for so long, it was quite refreshing. It was exciting. Maybe he could get Yuuri to agree to a threesome? He would love that…

The photo shooting was over quickly. The meetings between Viktor and Sasha weren’t. They kept it platonic for the first few meetings, they had a lot of interests in common and a lot of things to share, so they were never short on topics to talk about. They ended up talking for hours. Viktor soaked up the attention. He missed that. Being the Viktor Nikiforov again. At first, Viktor felt a slight twinge of guilt for leaving Yuuri alone like this, but then he remembered how the other one always enjoyed a few hours of quiet time for himself back in Japan. Also, the other man did not complain either. Everything was fine.

Change came about two months after the meetings began. Yuuri had been too tired from training to do much else at home, but Viktor really wanted to go out for once. After the other one repeatedly claimed to be too exhausted, Viktor just told him to stay at home, but that he definitely was going out. Not wanting to do this alone, he called up Sasha. They had quite a few drinks, one thing lead to another, and Viktor found himself pounding into the moaning man beneath him in some slightly shady hotel room. God, he missed that. The passion.

 

He thought he would feel more guilt, as he sneaked back into the flat late at night. He just has sex with someone beside Yuuri. Mind blowing good sex. By morning, he successfully managed to squash his feeling of guilt. Yuuri wouldn’t need to know. There was no reason to make things complicated just because he slipped once. Not that he was worried much. He didn’t really do anything wrong. And Yuuri was so dedicated to him, his little fan, he would forgive him in a heartbeat. He was sure.

One slip became two, which became four, and quickly Viktor had a sort of routine. He quite enjoyed it to be honest. Why shouldn’t he be allowed to have two boyfriends? While he still loves the other one, their sex live was a bit on the boring side. The other one never seemed to be able to relax properly. But Yuuri was good at other things. Like the household. Before he went to live in Japan, Viktor had a housekeeper coming by every other day. At beginning Yuuri had the silly notion they would share the chores, but Viktor really never could be bothered with that. He humoured the other one for a while, but really, him, doing something as mundane as dishes? So he had Yuuri and his love at home, the comfort and innocent adoration, taking care of him and Makkachin like a good little wife, always being there for him, and he had Sasha, bringing excitement and passion, attention he was craving. Everything was going well. It was the perfect combination of domestic and ‘single’ life. Maybe one day they all could share this together?

 

Then there was the day in the café. They were having one of their weekly meetings, a sweet treat first and then something a bit…spicier. When Sasha pointed out what he thought to be a fan starring at them, Viktor looked up, prepared to give the person his patent smile. He did not expect Yuuri to be the one starring at them. The Japanese man looked thorn, ready to bolt but frozen in place. For a second, Viktor panicked. Now was not the right time! Then, his mind focused. Viktor knew that Yuuri was way too shy to cause a scene this public. It was a calculated risk, but one he was willing to take. Sasha already thought the other one was a fan, so why not play along? Yuuri was still in his spot, unable to say anything. He knew, if he made it known to the other one that now was not a good time, if he said the right words to make him bolt out of this café without a word…

He was slightly surprised it worked so well. Sasha did not suspect a thing. And he would take care of Yuuri later. He didn’t catch them doing anything too incriminating, so it should be easy to explain away. Not that he needed to justify anything.

 

He never got around to explain anything. When he saw Yuuri’s slightly dishevelled figure on the couch, cuddled up with Makkachin, he thought everything was fine. He relaxed. They were still just Yuuri and just Viktor. The sight reminded him a bit of the first few months in Japan, when he was still just Yuuri’s coach, when the other one was still just his sweet little piggy, and he felt straight back to how he would have acted back then. It was surprisingly easy to keep up the two personalities. Poking a bit of fun at the other ones fluctuating weight, he went straight to bed, missing the hurt look on the other ones face. Never noticed how it took the other one quite a while to join him in bed.

Things continued. He and Yuuri never talked about it. He noticed the other one became a bit more forward. It was nice seeing the other make the effort. Sometimes, when they were intimate with each other, things would blur together for Viktor. For moments, he wouldn’t be able to differentiate if he was having sex with Sasha or Yuuri. Usually it was Yuuri’s pained grunts that would pull him out of the fantasy of a life together with all three of them. It made him angry. It was unreasonable, he knew Yuuri wasn’t aware of his fantasy. Aware of his other live. But still, he would punish the other one by pounding into him just a bit harder, press his face a bit deeper into the pillow, smoother the sounds that annoy him so much.

Already being with the two men didn’t stop him from enjoying other people’s company. He needed affection. Needed the attention. Sometimes, both of them were busy at the same time, Sasha being gone out of town for a few days at a time, Yuuri doing something with Lilia and Yakov. So, he would find someone else to have fun with.

He felt justified doing it. After all, if his two lovers couldn’t bother to have time for him, it was in his right to find someone who did. It all made sense to him.

 

Things became frustrating when Yuuri stopped his advances. Viktor huffed in annoyance. He thought they finally managed to get past the other one’s unreasonable shyness! So he didn’t even tried to hide his other lovers anymore. If the other one was behaving so unreasonable…he was feeling a bit petty. Clearly his love for the Asian man was bigger than his for him, if he couldn’t even show him affection!

That day when Yuuri came home, with one of his conquests still at their home, he thought he saw a pained look cross over the other ones face. He couldn’t bother to properly introduce the two, the stranger wasn’t worth the effort, wasn’t someone he loved, and to avoid awkwardness, he just claimed Yuuri to be his housemate. To be fair, at this point, Yuuri behaved more than a convenient housekeeper and occasional partner (when he convinced the other one to have sex with him). So, at that point he didn’t thought it was of any importance. Then, Yuuri moved to the guest room. Viktor didn’t understand. He tried to cuddle with the other one, missing their usual affections. He was hurt when his advances were rebuffed.

For a week, he felt like he had to tiptoe around the other one. He could see that Yuuri wanted to say something. But every time he was close to finally spit it out, he would storm out of the room. Whatever it was, he better got over it quickly. Viktor didn’t like the bad atmosphere. It dampened his mood.

Finally, Sasha was back in town. To cheer himself up, he invited the other one to his favourite place, the ice-rink. Viktor felt that it was time his two lovers properly meet each other! Maybe that would bring Yuuri out of his mood.

That was when everything went _really_ wrong. He didn’t understand. Why was Yuuri shouting? Why was he crying? Viktor was the one who had the right to be upset, not Yuuri! Yuuri, who had been so distant and moody and was always so frustrating, didn’t had the right to shout at him! And how dare he insult Sasha, too? He didn’t really took notice of the words, too shocked to be shouted at by his student. His fiancée. Who threw his ring at them?

Before he could react, Sasha had fled the ice rink. Why was everyone looking at him so murderous? He didn’t do anything wrong! Yuuri was the one who was being unreasonable! If he really loves him, he wouldn’t behave like that! He would be happy!

Then, the blonde Russian teen raced over to him, and before he could react, a fist connected with his face, instantly causing a nosebleed. Embarrassingly, he felt down. Ouch! That hurt!!

 

Even more painful, emotional painful, was hearing Yakov’s dismissal. He wouldn’t even let him speak in his own defence! They all looked at him as if HE was to blame for this!

With no other option, he fled the hall. Once outside, he looked around. Where was Sasha? He expected the other one to wait for him. Trying to call him, he was surprised when the phone went straight to voicemail. Next, he drove over to the other ones home, but was stopped by the porter. Who claimed he was not allowed in! He, Viktor Nikiforov, was forbidden to see his boyfriend?! Viktor was seething. Seeing no other option, he went home. He paced around in the flat, probably worrying Makkachin.

When Viktor woke the next day, it was from hunger. Usually, Yuuri would have dinner and breakfast prepared for him. This morning he woke up to an empty and cold flat. Yuuri didn’t come home that night.

Viktor jumped when his phone finally rung. Without looking, he answered it, expecting it to be Yuuri or Sasha, calling to apologise for their behaviour. But it was neither of them. Instead, Yuri’s angry voice sounded through the speaker, stating a time and date (Sunday, 10 o’clock), before rudely hanging up on him.

Mystified about the call, Viktor shrugged his shoulders. Sunday was only 2 days away, so he would see what this was about then. For now, he sank back onto the sofa. He urged Makkachin to come over to him for snuggled, and was disappointed when the dog didn’t even bothered to move out of her dog-bed. Everything suddenly was so disappointing! The next two days passed in a blur. Viktor tried several times to call his partners, to no avail. He raided the cupboards for food, not really tasting anything. It was so bland.  

 

When Sunday finally arrived and the doorbell rang at 10, Viktor was in for a shock. In front of his door were Mila, Yuri and Yakov. But not to talk. No, they came, with an entire van, to move Yuuri’s things.

“What are you doing? Are you playing a joke on Yuuri? He won’t be happy that you move his things when he is back!” He said with a fake cheerfulness. He didn’t understand. The other ones looked at him, incredulous.

“Viktor…Yuuri is not coming back? What gave you the idea…? He broke up with you! You cheated on him!” Mila sounded hesitant, cautious. As if she was explaining something to a stupid child.

Viktor froze when he grasped what she was saying. “What? No, don’t be ridiculous. He was just in one of his moods! I totally forgive him for being so rude to me and Sasha. If you just tell him to stop this silliness and come back, everything will be back as it was. Everything is fine.”

The three looked at him, shocked. Before Yuri could scream at him, however, Yakov hurried them to pick up the Asian man’s possessions. While the other two were busy, the older man lead Viktor to the kitchen, sat him down.

 

“Vitya…do you even understand what you did wrong?” What he did wrong? Viktor shook his head. Yakov sighed, prayed to god to give him patience under his breath.

“Viktor. What were you thinking? I thought you love Yuuri? How long has this been going on? How did you thought that it was ok to cheat on him? That he would be ok with it? All this time I thought it was just his anxiety playing up…didn’t you notice at all how you hurt him? And that other man, did he even knew about Yuuri? How can you play with peoples feelings like that?”

He was being lectured! About his own relationships! What does Yakov know, with his own failed marriage! Viktor wouldn’t have let it come to that! And it wasn’t cheating…he needed the comfort of both his partners! He loves them. And if he needed even more, that was totally in his right! He deserves all the love!

With another shake of his head, Yakov stood up. “You are acting like a spoiled, narcissistic ass. I thought better of you. I am very disappointed in you Viktor.”

Said man remained frozen in his seat. Why was everything suddenly his fault? Did Yuuri seriously leave him? Only after the door slammed shut for the last time, he moved. When he peaked into the guestroom, he saw not only all the boxes gone, but also a few pieces of his furniture. Reality set in like a hammer. Yuuri left. Him. No one did that before. It hurt. He didn’t do anything wrong! Didn’t the other one promise to always love him?

Viktor did the only thing he could think of. He got shit faced drunk. When he ran out of alcohol, he managed to find a 24h delivery service that provided everything you wanted. So he got more.

The days blurred together. He realised that somehow, in the course of less than a week, his live had somehow fallen apart. He was hurt. He didn’t know what to do. He concluded that Yuuri must be staying at Yuri’s. It was the only place he knew of that had a spare room (he didn’t think Yakov would offer his spare room, grumpy old man that he was), and it was unlikely Yuuri would be able to find and afford a place on his own on such short notice.

 

That’s where things really became hazy. He may have taken some drugs? Viktor thought that he must have somehow managed to make his way over to the other ones apartment block. What that why Yakov and Georgi were so peeved? Because he maybe made a drunk scene in public? It wasn’t even the worse thing he had ever done!

Viktor sighed. This was so unfair.  He tried again to lose the cuff around his wrist, to no avail. They did a good job with this one.

It felt like hours passed, when his door opened again. This time, it was Yakov stepping in. The man had a stern expression on his face.

“Aww…Yakov! Whatever silly thing I did, surely doesn’t warrant all of this? I promise I will behave a bit better! Now, please, be a dear and uncuff me? I have things to do, people to see!” His cheerful tone did not seem to appease the man. No. It actually seem to make Yakov’s face freeze even more.

“Be quiet, Viktor. You will listen to me now. Do you even know what you did? How close you are to end up in prison?”

Viktor had to smile. Of course, as always Yakov would exaggerate everything! He laughed.

“Did I do anything embarrassing? What, did I run around naked? Would explain why I’m so sore!”

 

He did not expect the slap. Yakov looked furious.

“I would gladly send you out naked for an entire day. In winter. No. Do you have any idea how much harm you caused? How much you traumatised Yuuri? Be glad you didn’t break anything or worse, or you would find yourself in a way more uncomfortable position!”

What was he talking about? He would never hurt Yuuri! He never hurt anyone. Viktor could feel a dreadful cold settling into his body. For the first time, he really got worried. What exactly did he do? Did he hurt his love?

“What happened? I can’t….I can’t remember, Yakov! What did I do? Is Yuuri ok? Did I hit him?”

He began to panic. Breathing became difficult. Was that how Yuuri felt when he was having one of his attacks? How dreadful…

“Just what did you take Viktor?? Do you not remember anything?” Yakov looked desperate. “You didn’t just hit him. You got into their flat. Yuuri was alone. He’s black and blue all over, trying to fight you off! You tried to assault him! God,…who know how far you would have gone if he didn’t manage to get you off him!” The older mans voice cracked. But not as much as his heart did, Viktor thought. He did what? No. He would never…! Tears sprang to his eyes. Why doesn’t he remember? Yakov must be wrong!

“No…! I wouldn’t do that! You know me Yakov! I might not…ok, things with Yuuri haven’t been going well, I admit it! But I love him! I would never force…that’s not who I am!” Viktor was struggling. His head was spinning, this time not from the hangover. He would never do something like that. He was Viktor Nikiforov. The legend. People love him. He loves people. It never ever came to his mind to use force. Only disgusting people would do that. He wasn’t like that. He wasn’t a…rapist.

“Please, Yakov. I didn’t. I wouldn’t….ever. please. You have to believe me! It couldn’t have been me!”

Said man looked at him with sad and pained eyes. He really wanted to believe his old student. But he couldn’t. He knew the truth.

“Vitya. It was you. Yuuri called me. When I got there, you were passed out on the floor. You had Yuuri’s blood on you. Yuuri barricaded himself into his bedroom. God, Viktor. He was so scared. Thanks god the physical injuries were just bruising’s, but mentally? He wasn’t good before, with his anxiety and what you put him through in the last few months…but now? Mila just called. Yuuri was having a panic attack when he was touched. Flashbacks. You did this to him. God, Vitya, how did you turn out like this? What did I do wrong? How did I fail you so much?”

There were tears running down his face. Viktor never before saw his old coach cry. Something broke inside him. It was like a wakeup call. Reality set in. For the first time in a quite a while, he realised. He did this. God, he did all of this. How did he get so disillusioned? Yuuri…What was he thinking? He felt disgust. Disgust at himself. He bend over, emptying the meagre content of his stomach beside his bed, not caring that he was probably ruining his expensive carpet. Fuck the carpet.

He knew. He knew he did wrong. He had something wonderful been given to him by fate. Someone pure and full of love. He destroyed it. With his selfishness. Arrogance. Greed. God, when did he become so disillusioned? He thought he was perfect. That there was no way he could do wrong. That it was perfectly justified to have more lovers. That everyone was obliged to love him.

And he feared there was no way for redemption.

He has become a monster.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not entirely sure if I managed to get across what I was imagining. 
> 
> Viktor did love Yuuri. But being in the spotlight for so long, and being alone for so long, did something to him. He craves attention and affection, and thinks if he doesn't get it from one person, he is allowed to get it from some else. He is playing two roles, 'Just Viktor' and the famous and charming Viktor Nikiforov. Being in Russia gave him the opportunity again. 
> 
> Sasha is kind of a bystander. He doesn't realise Viktor is in a relationship, and feels flattered by the attention from someone famous. 
> 
> In the end everything breaks down. Everyone gets hurt. He realises he did wrong. That something is wrong with him. That it is not normal behaviour. 
> 
> He will get better.
> 
> I hope you guys understand!


	7. First steps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri and Mila show their support, is Yuuri ready to take the first steps? And how is Yuri dealing with everything?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only a short chapter, sorry.
> 
> After this horrible week, it took me quite a while to get back into the mindset of writing. Its not the best chapter, just really a way for me to get back into it. 
> 
> My head is still not quite right, I keep getting headaches every day, but thankfully not as bad as earlier!

 

The day continued to be difficult. After forcing down a few bites of the breakfast Yuri had prepared, Yuuri tried to find a comfortable position on the couch. Although he was very tired, he couldn’t bring himself to go back to sleep. Mila and Yuri were hovering around him, their concern for him quite evident on their faces. At some point, Mila disappeared for a while, presumably to get changed at home and grab a few things.

Yuuri was starring ahead, not taking in the film the blonde put on for him in English. He shifted a bit, but every movement brought a stab of pain through his body. God, he wished he could go dance or skate…his face twisted into a grimace. It probably will take a while until he will be able to skate again. He was making such good progress! It just wasn’t fair! How was he supposed to get gold if he can’t even train? His fists balled in frustration and he could feel himself begin to shake.

“Yuuri? …Yuuri! Please snap out of it, you are hurting yourself!” Dazed, Yuuri’s eyes focused on the blonde teen, crouched in front of him, a safe distance away. It took a while for the words to register, and when he did, so did a new pain. Yuuri looked down to his hands. His left hand is wound around his right wrist, and he could see small, slightly bleeding, crescent marks from where his fingernails were digging into his flesh. His eyes widened.

“So…sorry! I didn’t meant to!...” The others look softened.

“I know…don’t apologise. Can I have a look at that? Just to make sure it’s not too bad…”

Yuuri nodded. In the end, Yuri only had to wipe away the blood, the small wounds were only superficial. They stung only a little bit, but his pain medication left him quite numb all over anyway. They settled back into a somewhat comfortable silence. They both were not people of many words, and the last 24h were exhausting for them. Misha decided to curl up in her owner’s lap, purring contently as he absent minded stroke her back.

 

It was not until Mila came back about two hours later, carrying a small suitcase and a large bag with groceries, that their silence was interrupted.

“Wha…are you going to move in here now??” Yuuri had to smile at Yuri’s disgruntled screech. But he was also wondering about Mila. The flat, while relatively spacious for two people, was definitely not made for three.

“Aw…well I thought you two need a bit of a female touch here. Really, what were you two thinking with some of these decorations? And looking at the content of your cupboards, you have been eating waaay to many naughty things! We can’t have that! So I will stay for a couple of days, it’s easier that way.”

Of course, Yuuri could guess that she was lying. Most likely, she was staying because of him. He still couldn’t supress a grin as he listened to the two Russians bicker, while they put away the groceries. And the laugh, when he heard Yuri’s indignant shout of “Don’t you dare to move the figurines!”

“Yes Mila, don’t destroy our _style_!” he couldn’t help to shout out from his position on the couch.

 

In the kitchen, Mila and Yuri shared a relieved look. They had been worried by Yuuri’s apathy after his panic attack.

“I called Yakov earlier. He was on his way to Viktor after Georgi informed him that he woke up. They are going to take care of him…” Yuri snorted at that. “Yuri! I know at the moment all you want to do is to kick his ass, hell I want to do that, too. But he needs help. A different kind of help. This was not the Viktor we know. Georgi said he found a shit ton of empty bottles and some drugs. So Yakov said he was considering him to rehab or an outpatient treatment at a clinic, depending on the results from the doc later on.”

Yuri knew that Viktor was messed up. He didn’t actually thought he would turn to drugs. He was an athlete, well ex-athlete, he should know what harm drugs could do. He shrugged his shoulders. “Why should I care? I’m not going to help! He got himself into this mess…!”

“Don’t worry, we don’t expect you to. I was going to say, that Georgi and Yakov will be the ones to keep an eye on Viktor for the next few weeks. That way, Lila, you and I can concentrate on helping Yuuri. You saw what happened earlier. He doesn’t deserve that. We need to make sure that he gets all the support he needs. I am not sure if we should call his family…or maybe that Thai friend of his? They seem to be close…”

“Phichit? I don’t know…maybe in a few days? I don’t think Yuuri would like too much human interaction right now.”

 

“I would also like if people would stop talking behind my back. You guys do realise that my Russian is getting better?”

The two had the decency to look embarrassed being caught by Yuuri, who starring at them with a slightly amused expression, leaning heavily against the doorframe.

“But Yuri is right…I don’t want people to know at the moment. Please? I know I will have to tell my family and friends at some point, but for now I just want to rest, get back to the ice...lead a normal life for once. Can you help me with that?”

Milas look softened. “Of course, Yura! I know we talked about therapy a few weeks ago, for your anxiety, and I know you were cautious about it, but I think you really would benefit from it…”

Yuuri let out a shuttering breath. He knew she was right. A professional would probably be able to help him sort through his chaotic mind. Help mend it. But talking to a stranger? He just wasn’t comfortable with it. Couldn’t think that he ever would be comfortable with it. It already took him weeks to open up to his friends.

“I could ask my therapist if she knows someone that would be suitable for your needs? Just meet with them, at least once, see if you are comfortable with them. You can say no any time, and we can try several therapists, until we find someone you feel you can trust?”

Slowly, Yuuri nodded, even though all he wanted to do is to hide away in his room and ignore all his problems. But if he really wants to get his life under control, he won’t be able to avoid getting professional help. Also, it wouldn’t be fair to depend entirely on his friends. Still…

“Just…not right now? Give me a bit of time? I promise I will think about it, but I’m just not ready. Yet.”

 

Instead of scolding him for quite obviously trying to avoid meeting strangers, as he expected, Mila only smiled at him. “Of course. It will take some time anyway to get a list of suitable therapists anyway. When you feel ready, we can look into it more.”

“But for now….what do you want for lunch? Mila brought all this rubbish, so we have to make the best out of it…vegetable soup? And maybe some grilled cheese sandwiches?” Yuuri could see that the young man was not quite comfortable with the talk. It was obvious that he tries to change the topic, till now being an awkward bystander to their conversation. Yuri was never good with displaying his own emotions, so being confronted with the emotional mess that Yuuri was at the moment must be quite difficult for him, too.

“Soup is fine, thank you. Do you need any help?”

“No! You are supposed to be resting anyway! So back to the couch with you! Mila, make sure he does not move!”

With that, the blonde shoved Mila towards Yuuri, indicating to them to leave the kitchen. Laughing, Mila hooked her arm around Yuuri, gently steering him back towards the living room.

“Seems like our grumpy little kitten needs some time to himself.”

 

Although Yuri was angrily glaring at their retreating backs, he couldn’t help but agree. As much as he wants to be there for the older one, he just couldn’t help but feel awkward. Being nice wasn’t his strongest point. He usually was brash, shouting a lot and was overall unpleasant to be around. Now he didn’t know how to behave around Yuuri. Anything could trigger another panic attack. And he already showed more emotions than he was comfortable with earlier.

Yuri shuddered. The crying had helped, not that he was going to admit it out loud. When Yuuri had the panic attack, he was scared. It was not a good feeling. Yuri needs time to sort his mind, and he was thankful that the other ones did not push it.

Although now he had to do all the cooking…

Damn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will try to write some more. The next chapter should be up the latest next weekend! Hopefully that one will be a bit longer.


	8. Taking the first step

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri is recovering, but it will be a long journey. One step at a time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My apologies for the long wait! I could give a long list of reasons as to why it took me so long to take up writing again. Mainly really, I need to be in a certain mood to write, which sometimes ends with me writing thousands of words at once, or none at all.  
> I will try to get back to regular updates. This is only a short chapter, kind of a way to get my mind-set back into the story.

 

They slowly settled back into a routine. Both Lilia and Yakov forbade him from doing any strenuous exercise to ensure his injuries healed without any complications, and had their two watch-dogs (Mila and Yuri) make sure he complied. His wounds were doing better, the bruising finally began to fade. They turned a colourful rainbow, which now slowly faded into a sickly yellow. If he didn’t touch them, Yuuri could even pretend everything had just been a bad dream. He tried to avoid looking into any mirrors for the time being.

 

Mila stayed for a week. He loves her, really, but her presence was a constant reminder that something DID happen. Furthermore, her and Yuri’s bickering may have been endearing in the beginning, but after several days, nerves were worn thin. They work fantastic as friends and colleagues, but being roommates in this small space was pushing everyone’s patience.

Before she finally moved back to her own flat, Mila left him a list of potential therapists. It wasn’t a long list, just 5 names and their contact numbers, but Yuuri still struggled to look at it. Thankfully, Mila understood that he needed his time and didn’t press him for a decision. Still….

With a groan, Yuuri rubbed his face. For once, he was alone, beside Misha, who was laying curled up next to him on the sofa. But he can’t stay vegetating on the sofa forever. After two weeks, he just felt so…useless. His anxiety was through the roof. Going outside was stressful. Every person they passed on the short trips Yuuri dared to do with Yuri by his side made him feel exposed. As if one look would be enough and everyone knew what happened, how weak he was. Then he got angry for thinking like this, which made him even more agitated. In the end, Yuri would always lead him home after a few minutes, via the quietest route he could find, with calming words and gentle touch. Despite numerous assurances that everything was ok, Yuuri still felt like a burden.

 

With a determined look, he sat up, grabbed his phone and the list. Yuuri knew there was only one way for him to get better. Breaking the hellish circle of fear and anxiety. If he doesn’t handle it now, he never would. And forever hiding at home, relying on other people….it just made him feel like he was losing his mind.

With shaking fingers, he typed the first number into his phone. It can’t hurt to at least talk with them, see if any of them is compatible.

It seems like all of them were pre-warned to expect a call from him at some point, as everyone was quite willing to have an initial talk with him. The first two were a definite no. Their slightly condescending sounding voice just made his skin crawl. Yes, he had issues, but no need to talk to him as if he was a toddler! The third therapist however, a Iosif Petrov, nearly instantly made him feel at ease. He had a calming voice, firm but understanding, without making him feel 5 years old. They only had a short conversation, but Yuuri was sure that he would at least like to try one session with him. Yuuri was unsure how to proceed, can he just get an appointment like this? As far as he knew, there were horrendously long waiting lists for therapist. But could he wait weeks, months? On the other hand, he also didn’t wanted to just jump the queue, what if someone needs it more urgently? When he voiced his concerns, Dr. Petrov ensured him that, since he was a private therapist, the waiting list was no issue. Relieve shot through him, until another thought made his anxiety come back with full force. Private therapist means not covered by general insurance. Which means he would have to pay for it himself. Just how expensive would this all be? He tried to nonchalantly ask for Dr. Petrov’s hourly rate, but was surprised with the answer.

“Don’t worry about this, Yuuri. Everything will be taken care of, if you decide that I would be someone you are comfortable to talk to. Maybe have a chat with your coach if you have any questions in this regard?”

What?

“Oh….ok? I will…uh…can I…? I mean, an appointment, please?” God, he sounded like an idiot.

“Of course, if you feel like I am a good choice for you, we can have an initial appointment to see if you are comfortable to talk to me face to face. Some people find it difficult to open up to someone when they actually have to talk in person. I have free slots on Wednesday or Friday?”

Wednesday was in two days….was he really ready for this? Only one way to find out…

“Wednesday should be fine…I think?”

“If you would feel more comfortable with considering it for a bit, that is totally fine, Yuuri. Therapy is a long process, there is no need to rush into it if you are not feeling ready.”

“NO!!....I mean, no, I would really like to start on Wednesday. If I don’t, or if I contemplate too long, I don’t think I would have the confidence to do it.”

He could feel himself flushing. God, why does he have to be so awkward?

“That is totally fine, Yuuri. So we will see each other on Wednesday. How does 4 o’clock sound?”

“Yeah…ok, 4 is good.” At this point, Yuri was already finished with his training, and Yuuri will definitely need some mental support. And probably someone to physically drag him out of this flat…

“Very well. I will see you then. Thank you Yuuri, and take care.”

 

After a hasty goodbye, Yuuri finally hung up the phone. Well….this could have gone better. But a small part of himself also felt proud. He has taken the first step. A small step, the big leap is still to come, but it was a beginning. He could feel a small smile forming on his lips. He can do this.

The next step would be to step back into the ballet studio and ice rink.

His whole body was itching for the pleasant burn that always accompanied a long work out. While he knew his body needed the rest, dancing usually worked wonders on calming his nerves.

One step at a time.

He can do this.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Yuuri is showing his determination again!
> 
> Next up might either be another Viktor or Yuri chapter. I am also considering bringing in Yakov's POV at some point. I feel like he is sometimes a bit of a neglected character..


	9. Be responsible!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> it is Viktors turn to plan his future steps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bit more difficult. Viktors character and mind set keeps changing. He is thorn between the feeling of guilt and self-blame on one side, and his old habit of wanting the attention and entitlement on the other.

 

Yakov and Georgi stayed true to their words, and did not let him out of supervision for the following days. His blood tests were prioritised, and came back somewhat…cleanish. Nothing a course of antibiotic’s wouldn’t solve.

Viktor was disgusted with himself. Not only had he been an idiot, he had been an irresponsible idiot. And the withdrawal…it was hell. If he wasn’t sweating, he was shivering. No in-between. His throat felt raw from puking and crying. The two other men had to take care of everything. It was humiliating.

Which was exactly what he deserves. His restless sleep was plagued by memories. Snippets of his behaviour the last few years. His behaviour towards Yuuri and Sasha. While what he did to Yuuri was definitely the worst, he also realised how horrible the entire situation must have been for the photographer. To be ‘The Other Man’. Viktor had no doubt that Sasha must have thought they were exclusive.

God, another person he would have to apologies to and beg for forgiveness. The list was growing by the day. So far, each day of his confinement, he concentrated on a different person. A person he has wronged. Yuuri was always on the forefront of his thoughts, but there were so many others….Yakov, Yuri, Mila, Georgi, Chris….the Katsukis. Mari is going to kill him. If Minako didn’t get him first….or Yuri.

He shuddered when he thought back to the venom in the younger ones eyes. Yes, Yuri was definitely out for his blood.

 

Viktor has been feeling slightly better the last two days. After a week of complete misery, it was a welcome change. His moods were all over the place. He would go from crying to screaming in anger. But now boredom settled in. Of course Yakov confiscated his phone, laptop and any other device he could have contact to the outside with. He understood why….well ok, he tried to understand why, but god, he hadn’t been away from his phone for that long in ever. Usually, a bored Viktor was a bad Viktor, and he really had to use every ounce of self-control not to whine. Too much. The icy glare both of his prison wardens/ caretakers told him that he was on very thin ice and was already very close to the edge.

Not good. Viktor pressed the heels of his hands onto his eyes. He was finally released from being chained when being without supervision yesterday and he was relinquishing in the new-found, albeit small, freedom. He wasn’t allowed to leave the flat or even the room. Not that he wanted to. The thought was daunting. Do people know? How could he ever show his face in public ever again? He was supposed to be a role model, someone people looked up to. Not some abusive drug junky. How did he end up like this? Where did he go wrong?

This was a question Yakov kept muttering under his breath too. It pained him to see the older man like this. Yakov was like a father figure to all of them, and he looks so disappointed, like he had given up on him. It hurt. He knew it was his own fault. He ran away to chase Yuuri all the way to Japan, giving up his own skating career. He did consider taking it up again after teaching Yuuri for a year, but at that point found getting back into training too tiresome. He didn’t keep up proper diet or exercise, and when he initially began training he found his stamina and form somewhat…lacking. He quickly gave up after that, too distracted by other, easier ways to get the recognition he craved, without the restrictions and aching muscles and bones from hard work. It is a decision he now regretted. No question, he enjoyed being a coach, but there probably will always be that nagging question of ‘what ifs’. If he hadn’t been that shallow, if he had worked harder…would they have been ok?

No…things went wrong before that. Viktor disobeyed Yakov long before that. He thrived on attention. Viktor always said how he wanted to surprise people. With surprise came attention. He couldn’t even use the excuse of a bad childhood or neglecting parents. No, while his parents might not had been the warmest people, they never neglected his needs and supported him until their fatal car accident when he was 21. However, at that point, they only had limited contact really, with them living in Moscow and him training in St Petersburg. He had already been living for years with Yakov before moving out when he was 18. While their death hit him hard, it wasn’t what caused him to spiral so out of control.

 

He had his first taste of heavy partying with alcohol, drugs and sex when he was just short of 17. Before that, Yakov always managed to keep him away from the more nefarious post-competition celebrations, but then he finally managed to give him the slip. He was a teenager, and he wanted to have fun and experiment just as everyone else. It was wonderful. He felt like he belonged, everyones eyes, male and female, were on him. He lost his virginity that night. In more than one way.

He might have developed some reputation for a while after that. It still surprises him how none of this managed to find its way to the press. Well, occasional there was a comment about a little scandal here and there, but nothing as major as I could have been.

He didn’t use drugs that often. As an athlete, he knew there were random drug tests, and he just couldn’t risk it. But there was no stopping him when he retired. At first, the excitement of chasing Yuuri was enough to keep his urges at bay, but then being back at large competition venues brought way too many tempting opportunities.

Viktor was still surprised how Yuuri managed to avoid all of this. As far as he knew, the other one never joined any parties beside the ones strictly necessary for networking with potential sponsors. Hell, we went to university and never went to any parties!

Viktor was his first. How Yuuri survived being a virgin at 24, was beyond him. And even after Viktor finally introduced him to this particular joy of life he didn’t seem to enjoy it much! Yuuri seemed perfectly happy with not having sex till then. He always thought something was wrong with Yuuri, but maybe….something was wrong with him instead?

 

Thinking back, none of his rink mates indulged as much as he did. Sure, Georgi and Mila had their occasional relationships, but they also seem to be perfectly ok without. And Yuri didn’t seem to be dating either. For a while he thought that maybe there was something going on with that Kazakhstan   skater, but they appear to be just close friends. The boy was already 19, and while a few years ago he would have said that they are quite similar, the other one seemed way more down to earth that Viktor was at his age. Instead of a small 2-bedroom flat, Viktor brought an extravagant open plan apartment and filled it with any luxury article he took fancy to. Expensive clothes, accessories, his wonderful pink convertible...Viktor was definitely not left wanting. He earned enough money through various jobs and sponsorships to keep him living comfortable for the rest of his life if he was being sensible. Which he was not. And it seemed retirement means he actually would have to look into getting some sort of consistent income at some point. Coaching, surprisingly, doesn’t pay as much as he would have expected. No wonder Yakov was still living in his small house.

Viktor sighed. Ok, so far he concluded that he has an alcohol and drug problem, was financially incompetent and couldn’t keep it in his pants to save his life. But he liked his life! He liked spending money on frivolous things without a worry, and god, he loves having sex. He probably could do with cutting back on the alcohol and drugs. Yakov should be happy with that. Right?

 

Apparently not.

The next time the older man stepped into his room, he held two folders in his hands. They contained documents and pamphlets for two professionals.  A doctor, or was she a psychologist?, and a financial advisor.

“Viktor, as you are finally slightly more coherent, we need to address how to go from here. I have let you go wild for long enough, it is time that you grow up and take responsibilities. Eduard here will go over your finances with you, and will help you organise everything and teach you how to handle a budget. Irene specialises in treating addictions, you will have sessions with her three times a week at the beginning to address your substance abuse and mental issues.” Now his face took on an even sourer expression.

“There will be a few more rules. No alcohol. Our physician put together a diet plan for you to follow to counteract the damage you have done to your body during the last few years. While you are still in therapy, you will refrain from…indulging in any of your more carnal pleasures. You are hurting people, and don’t even seem to be aware of it or care. It might do you good to go cold turkey for once. We need to find out what makes you behave like this. Furthermore, for as long as your finances are not sorted, all your necessary purchases will be done by me. With the way you are going, you must have burned though a lot of money for no reason.”

Viktor was shocked. “But…! Why are you treating me like a child?!” he spluttered. He knew he did wrong but really, wasn’t that a bit over the top?

Yakovs look was thunderous. “I will start treating you like an adult when you start acting like one. For the last few years you completely spiralled out of control! This is not a way to live. You are a danger to yourself and others. Do you know how many STIs you could have gotten? How many people you could have hurt with this? What if the drugs you took were tampered with? Or alcohol poisoning? You could have easily killed yourself! And what if you had been driving while under the influence and crashed? There are consequences for everything in life, and its time you learn it. I could have easily hand you over to the police or a closed rehab centre. I will give you the benefit of a doubt that I can trust you enough to let you remain here and not do anything stupid. But one wrong move, Viktor, and you will be out of here and in an institution quicker than you can think!”

Viktor has never heard Yakov rant like this. He knew the threat was real.  It just…wasn’t fair! Didn’t he earn the right to enjoy himself? He hadn’t been that irresponsible…had he? He could concede that he definitely hurt people, especially Yuuri and Sasha, with his behaviour, but that didn’t justify taking away all of his freedom!

Also…he was scared. For the last 12 years he never had been alone for more than maybe a few days. With what Yakov was proposing, it sounded as if he would have to actually be alone for an extended period of time. He wasn’t sure if he could do that. He needs affection!

 

Viktor could feel tears forming in his eyes. Suppose he does deserve that, too. Being the miserable one for once. But…

“Can….can someone maybe….stay with me? You or Georgi?...I know I don’t deserve it, but I just…I don’t want to be alone. CAN’T be alone. Please?” He knew there would be no physical affection from either man, but at least there would be someone here. The apartment was just too big to be on his own.

Yakov sighed. “Viktor, we are not doing this to punish you. This is all just to teach you that how it has been can not continue. Despite all that has happened, we do care about you, and we want you to get better. To be the kind man I know you are able to be. We were already planning on having one of us stay here for the time being. Even considered moving you to my place. These are both option that are open for you. There is no way we will leave you completely on your own for this. For several reasons. I know you will be struggling, there will be set backs, but I am confident that things will get better. It has to be, or I would have totally failed you.”

“Yakov…you didn’t fail me. Please don’t think that. You went beyond what your responsibility of a coach is, and I am thankful for that…even though I may not have shown it.” He was crying again. God, why were his emotion so all over the place? “Thank you. For not abandoning me. It means a lot to me.”

It did. The older man could have easily washed off any responsibilities. He wasn’t his coach anymore. There was no reason for Yakov, or any of the other people to support him.

“Of course, Vitya…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lets hope Viktor finds his way!
> 
> The next chapter is already written up, and is probably one of my favourites to write. Alexanders (Sasha) POV. The character actually grew on me.


	10. A perfect life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alexander (Sasha) thought he finally had a chance at a perfect life...

 

Alexander Sokolov was proud of his life. He succeeded to make his passion his job, and he was good at it! He got commissions from all over the country. So far, he wasn’t quite at the point where he would claim to be famous or anything, but if he kept up the good work, he definitely would not have to worry about paying rent for quite a while. He was only 27, still many years ahead to improve!

And then he meet Viktor. It was supposed to be just a small shoot, but they hit it off nearly instantly. He had absolutely no idea who Viktor Nikiforov was, or had any clue about ice skating. It wasn’t a sport he took interest in. But he was totally smitten with this beautiful man. He was delighted when the interest was reciprocated.

 

At first, they just talked. They spend hours sitting in cafés or his little studio flat, recounting silly encounters and adventures. He had to laugh so much when Viktor told him how he threw his entire career into the wind to be the coach of some random skater in Japan. Because he was bored. Viktor was so extravagant.

When they finally took things further, he was elated. Could it really be, that this fun and handsome, rich man returned his affections? At first, he feared the encounter would remain a one night stand, since both of them were quite drunk at that point. But Viktor surprised him again, wooing him with sweet dates and little gifts. They easily transferred their relationship from friends to lovers.

Although Alexander was sad that Viktor was often absent, especially during night, he understood. Viktor had a busy life, coaching future world champions, and appeared to be very dedicated to it. Early morning training sessions meant that Viktor had to go to his own apartment, which was situated way closer to the rink than Alexanders studio flat. He savoured every night Viktors arms stay wrapped around him.

But then, Alexander also had his own career to consider. He often had to spend several days away, or was glued in front of his computer, editing photos. He loves his job, and though it keeps him from his lover from time to time, he still enjoys every minute of it.

They were always able to easily rekindle the passion and affection, as if every meeting was their first time, easily slipping back into their live as a couple. They were going strong. And lately Viktor was hinting that something big was about to happen! Maybe they finally would make it official and move in together? Their life would be perfect!

 

For now, the silver haired man asked him to meet him at the ice rink he was coaching. He was finally going to meet his students and colleagues! Viktor usually kept his current career as coach quite separated from their live. He never seemed to want to talk about it, and Alexander accepted this. So being finally introduced to this part of his lovers live meant a lot to him.

When they entered, there were already several people on the ice. Alexander instantly itched to take out his camera to take photos. They were moving so elegant. They must have incredible strength and balance to so easily glide over the ice, as if they were flying. No wonder Viktor was as fit as he is.

The other one pulled him closer to the rink side. “Here is where I’m training! Isn’t it great?” Viktor pressed a kiss against his cheek.

 

And this was the moment where everything broke apart.

One of the skaters, a very lithe and small Asian man with longish hair skated in their direction, face contorted into a pained and angry expression.

 “How dare you!...” Now the others also stopped skating, not having noticed the new arrival before. What was going on?  

“Yuuri! My piggy student!” Ah, so this was the skater Viktor left his career for? He looked way younger than his supposed nearly 26 years. And not really what he expected from Viktor’s initial description. Cute and delicate. Except now he looked slightly murderous. What did Viktor do now?

“Shut up!” The man stopped in front of them. “How dare you bring this….this thing here! Of all places! Have you no conscious? Do I matter so little to you that you have to rip every single good thing from me? It was enough seeing you with all these men, knowing what you were doing with them, hell, you even took them to OUR bed!! Was everything a lie?? All the months, claiming you love me, that I was the only one for you. Does our promise matter nothing to you??”

What?? WHAT…? THEIR bed? Love? Promises?

Alexander couldn’t breathe. He thought….he and Viktor…

“And you!!” A ring was thrown in their direction. “Do you have no shame? Mess about with a man that is, was, engaged! Do you not care?”

Alexanders heart stopped a beat. The ring came to a standstill just in front of him, gleaming golden, nearly accusingly pretty.

Through the shock he heard himself stammer. “Engaged? Viktor, what...?” When he glanced at the other man, he only saw irritation on his face. Not outrage or shock, which he would have expected from what surely must have been some sort of mistake!

 “Oh, this is brilliant! Did he not tell you? That he was in a supposedly committed relationship for over a year, that he was engaged, to me, his fucking _piggy student_!” He could feel himself pale with every word, throwing a helpless look at Viktor. His silence was answer enough.

 

Alexanders heart broke into tiny pieces. It was all a lie. Everything. All his dreams for a future together where shattered. This was a nightmare. Hearing the pain in the other mans voice made him feel sick. How could Viktor do this? Play both of them in this cruel way? To be engaged to someone must have meant that there was, or had been, deep affection and love between them. Marriage is a huge commitment. If he wasn’t so horrified and heartbroken himself, his heart would go out to the other man. Viktors FIANCE. God. It hurts to think.

The other one, Yuuri, wasn’t finished.

“And I swear, if you don’t fucking stop calling me a pig I will show you how sharp my skates are! Do I look like a pig to you? If you haven’t noticed, I am sure you haven’t, I am currently what counts as medically underweight. I tried, I tried so hard to be perfect for you! And you…you just….you basically keep me as a maid! Was I just convenient to live with cause I did all the housework? Was I a good enough fuck when your other flings didn’t have time? Did you even notice when I cried in pain when you just shoved it in, treating me like a cheap whore? Did you care that every time you fucked me I barely could walk the next day? Did you care that you made me a mental wreck? Did you care that I saw you with the other men? Or did it turn you on? Was it satisfying for you to know you had a stupid bedwarmer at home that would do anything for you, while you also had your fun? God, I don’t even want to know what kind of diseases you might carry!”

 

Oh god. He needed to get out of here. He felt so sick. Other flings? Does that mean there were even MORE? Was he just one of many? Every word out of the Asians mouth just made his stomach turn more. How could someone treat the person they are supposedly in love with like this? Could he have misjudged Viktor that much?

By now, the silver haired man looked pretty speechless. What did he expect? Having him, Alexander, show up at this rink, knowing his fucking fiancé was training here? Was it a cruel way to break up with him? Or Yuuri? He couldn’t see any other reason as to why Viktor would do something so callous. Well, he wasn’t going to stay around to find out who this little scene was intended for. It seems like Viktor miscalculated, as it was clear that the other man had enough, too. And really, Viktor couldn’t expect Alexander to stick around either, after finding out that he was ‘The Other Man’. A home-wrecker.

 

Without a last glance, he ran. He didn’t care that he nearly ran over several people. Not really seeing them through his tear-stained eyes.

Alexander wasn’t quite sure how he made it to his home. The porter looked at him with concern as he burst through the door, out of breath and crying. God, this was so humiliating. By chance, remembered to put Viktor on the “do not let pass” list. And thanks god he did.

Shortly after he arrived, the calls started. When he ignored all of them he was blessed with a short moment of silence until he was notified by the porter that Viktor was downstairs, demanding access. He declined. How could Viktor expect him to see him? His persistency makes Alexander think that it might have been the fiancé Viktor wanted to get rid of. His heart ached. This is horrible. The poor man must have thought that he was in on this, rubbing their adulterous relationship right under his nose without care. He prayed that the accusations the lithe man voiced against Viktor weren’t true. What he said…sounded so abusive, so unlike the Viktor he thought he knew. The dark-haired skater looked like a strong wind would blow him over. While Alexander himself wasn’t tall or strong, even he would have towered a good inch or two over the other one. He didn’t want to think about what sort of damage Viktor could do. This was such as mess….

 

Alexander curled up on his sofa. Thanks god he didn’t accept any jobs for the next two weeks. He wasn’t sure he would be able to produce any useable photos.  He didn’t bother to turn on the light or the TV. There was no one to witness as he wept over his broken dream. So much for a perfect life.

Right now, he was not proud of his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea to show Sasha POV really was quite spontaneous. I thought about how he must have felt, what his motivations were, and I just couldn't see him as a calous person, dating someone that was taken.   
> I saw the comments of people asking for a relationship between Sasha and Yuuri. So far I can't really see it happen. Both were hurt by Viktor, and I myself couldn't imagine being with the person my partner cheated with. But then, so far my mind was quite changeable with how this story, so who knows!  
> I am, however, definitely planing to have Sasha show up a bit more. :)
> 
> The next chapter is written up, but I won't upload it until I wrote the chapter after. With work during the week, this might take a bit longer, but I will try my best not to let is end in a month-long wait again! Sorry!


	11. The First Session

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuuri is having his first session with his therapist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I have to say I have no idea how a psychologist/therapist works. The way i go here, is basically how I would like a therapist to act. If anyone has any advice or comments, they might be very helpful for the future chapter!   
> Enjoy! :)

 

Yuuri was fidgeting in his seat. It was 3 o’clock, Wednesday. Any minute he and Yuri would set off to his first therapy session. The other was just finishing his shower, having arrived from training half an hour ago. He would have to go back to training too at some point.

After the phone call, he had a long conversation with Yakov. The older man would not disclose as to who is paying for the therapy, which made him slightly uncomfortable, but no amount of questioning could change the other mans mind. While he didn’t wanted to be in debt to someone, especially Yakov, who is already doing so much for him, he is grateful for the opportunity.

“Are you ok, Yura?” Yuuri looked up. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t even noticed the blonde stepping into the living room, jacket and shoes already on.

“Oh, is it time? I’m just nervous. What if I just can’t talk to him?”

Yuri sat down next to him, putting a calming hand on his back.

“Deep breaths. Its only the first session, Yura. No one expects you to open up completely and tell him your entire life story on the first try. Just give it a chance, ok?”

Yuuri nodded. He can try.

 

They decided to walk to the office as it wasn’t too far from their flat. Yuuris nervousness only grew the closer they got. They stopped in front of an old, but charming building. After being buzzed in, they climbed up the stairs to the second floor. A plump, elderly woman welcomed them to the practice, and asked them to take a seat in the waiting room. They were the only people there. The waiting room appeared well worn but also well kept. It seems like the office has been in use for quite some time. That thought was somehow calming. A bad practice surely wouldn’t survive long enough to bring the well-used feeling. 

A man approximately in his 50’s stepped into the waiting room. “Yuuri Katsuki?”

Iosif Petrov was not what Yuuri would have thought a therapist to look like. He expected someone in a suite, well-groomed and with a stern face. Instead, Dr Petrov looked more like an old-fashioned history professor. His expression was warm and open, with laughing lines around his mouth and eyes. He didn’t held out his hand in greeting, instead opted for a small wave with his hand.

“If you are ready, how about we step into my office? Would you prefer your companion to join us, or do you prefer if its just the two of us? I always encourage brining someone for support, but sometimes it helps having someone not in any way associated with you or your past.”

Yuuri took a deep breath. While he would love to have Yuri with him, he knew it wouldn’t be fair on the younger man. There were things he would need to talk about that would probably be very disturbing to hear, and he didn’t want to burden the other one even more.

“Hello. Uh…alone will be fine, I think. But is it ok for Yuri to wait here? Just in case? I get panic attacks and Yuri is quite good at calming me down….”

“Of course. Would you like anything to drink?” Both of them declined. Yuuri felt like his stomach was turning, so even the thought of drinking anything made his stomach churn. With a last look towards the blonde, Yuuri followed Dr Petrov into a medium sized room with comfy looking furniture.

“Please have a seat. This is all new for you right? It probably is quite daunting, but really, you will set the pace we are going with everything here. There is no ‘being too slow’. I may interrupt when I feel like you are going too fast though. Now, at first we sadly need to get through all this very boring paperwork.”

 

Surprisingly, the slight rambling managed to calm down Yuuris nerves a bit. Working through required paperwork, such as necessary medical details, further managed to settle him down a bit. Since Yuuri’s Russian was still quite wobbly, they agreed on communicating in English.

“Now, that’s done, good. Do you feel like your current anxiety medication is still helping?”

Yuuri nodded. The anxiety definitely became slightly easier to handle since he started the medication.

“Good. Now, Yuuri, what is it that you are hoping to accomplish with this therapy? Are there any goals you would like to reach, or set for yourself? They can be of any size, there is nothing to be ashamed of.”

That surprised him. To be honest, Yuuri hadn’t really thought about what he expected. Therapy always seemed so daunting. And he never wanted to admit that he is broken enough to require therapy.

“I just…I don’t want to be scared? It’s small things that sometimes set me off. A certain noise, sudden movement or touch…I don’t want to be afraid of someone giving me a hug…I don’t want one bad experience ruin my chance of love.”

God, he must sound so stupid.

“These are good goals. Would you be able to tell me about the events that lead to you being afraid? You don’t need to go into in depth detail for now, it’s just so we get an overview as to where to start.”

 

Yuuri took a deep breath. The question was not that easily answered. When did it start? How did it start? Not all experiences he had were bad. But annoyingly, it were these bad experiences that overshadowed anything good in his mind at the moment. He closed his eyes and just let the words flow out.

“Uh…well…I’ve always been…not like others. I’m having difficulties with…being affectionate. I don’t like strangers touching me. Never did. Even as a child, really. But I was ok with it. Well,…I thought I was ok with it. And then…Viktor came into my live. I’ve…always admired him, and with him,…it was ok. It was the first time I enjoyed being close to someone….in, you know, a romantic way. We had fun, and I had many of my ‘Firsts’ with Viktor. But then, it just got too much. Too quick. And I just couldn’t say no, I would have lost him, I didn’t wanted to lose him. I loved him. So much. And…he hurt me. Physically and mentally. I just wasn’t enough…why wasn’t I enough? What is wrong with me?” He realised that he started crying. Tears were running down his face, and no matter how much he tried, he couldn’t stop them. “I’m sorry. Look at me, blubbering like an idiot. I’m such a mess…”

A tissue box was pushed in his direction. He took a few to rub his face and blow his nose.

“Yuuri, not liking to be touched doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you. There are many totally normal and reasonable explanations that could cause your aversion to being touched. It doesn’t mean that there is anything mentally or physically wrong with you. So,...this Viktor was your first relationship? Could you tell me how you two started?”

That one was easier to answer. These were good times to remember. He told Iosif about his failure at the Sochi GPF, his move back home and how Viktor followed him. How Viktor helped him step over his shadow and develop his talent in ways he didn’t even knew he was able to. His heartbeat quickened. The kiss in China. It was getting difficult to breath. The exchange of the ‘good luck’ rings in Barcelona. He couldn’t continue. Couldn’t breathe.

 

“Yuuri. Can you hear me? Everything is ok. You are safe here. Can you listen to me? Take a deep breath in….and out. Very good. You are doing very well.”

It took him a couple of minutes until the blackness that threatened to overtake his vision disappeared. He took a few choking breaths.

“Where you at a painful memory there?” Yuuri nodded. “Ok, you are doing well.” He gave the other man a disbelieving look. He didn’t even start! “Really, trust me Yuuri. Just opening up, as you are doing, is a step in the right direction. Viktor seems to be the primary, or most recent subject of your trauma, so it is perfectly normal that even seemingly unrelated memories trigger a reaction.”

Yuuri could only nod. He felt exhausted. With a sigh, he leaned back in his seat. He was still slightly disappointed in himself. He didn’t feel as if he accomplished much.

 

“Now, our first session is nearly over. However, I would like to give you a few things to read about. Are you aware that there are different kinds of sexual orientations? You know, beside hetero, bi or homosexual? I have a few very informative booklets about various categories. I feel like you would especially benefit from reading them. I will not tell you what I think your orientation or orientations might be. I want you to read everything, and during our next session, I would like to talk them through with you and want you to think about which elements would fit most as to how you feel. There is no need to pick just one orientation. Some people find it helpful to be able to, lets say, ‘label’ how they feel. But it’s not the end all, be all, just an aid to put a name on something.”

Iosif handed him a small stack of books with an encouraging smile.

“Thank you for confiding in me. I will try my best to help you achieve your goals.”

With a wobbly smile, Yuuri carefully picked up the books. While he was curious about the context of the booklets, he just wanted to get home.

After setting up some sort of schedule of sessions, twice a week, Yuuri all but raced out of the room.

 

He was relieved to see that Yuri was, in fact, still waiting for him in the waiting room. The blonde clearly had been playing on his phone, but quickly put it away when he saw Yuuri exit the office. Noticing his worried look, Yuuri self-consciously rubbed at his cheeks, trying to erase the probably clearly visible traces of his crying. He clearly was about to say something.

“Don’t worry Yuri. I’m fine. Or, I will be fine…can we please just go home?”

The blonde nodded at this, understanding the un-said request for silence.

They slowly made their way back downstairs. And if his hand may have bumped into the blondes side, they didn’t mention it. Yuri was way more perceptive than most people would give him credit for. There was no need for spoken words right now. ‘Thank you’. 

They remained silent until they stepped though their front door. Before he could make his way into his room, Yuri cleared his throat.

“You don’t have to go back, you know? If he makes you cry…” The teen looked uncomfortable. Yuuri was impressed how well the other one tolerated all the emotional baggage that has been hanging in the air the last few weeks.

“No…I will go back. It will be taxing, and I probably will cry a lot, but I feel that in the end, this will help me. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now. I’m sorry that you have to witness all of this. It can’t be easy for you.”

He slowly made his way over to where the other one was still awkwardly standing in the hallway.

“Thank you.”

Yuuri pulled the blonde in a gentle hug, resting his head on the other ones shoulder. He took the first step. He was confident that he will be travelling on the right path soon.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now, I did raise the issue of Yuuris sexual orientation. I am having issues with 'picking a label'. I just don't think a person is just one 'category'. I am imagining Yuuri to be someone in the demi-sexual spectrum. He may be bi, he may be gay, or gender might not even matter to him at all. What matters is the emotional connection.   
> Many of the topics/events that will come up in these therapy sessions will be based on personal experiences, they might be 'silly' little things, but I think this way it is easier and more believable to write than making things up from scratch. I know at the moment Viktor is being painted in a horrible light, but as mentioned, not all was bad. While there are probably some consent issues at some point, Yuuri and Viktor did have enjoyable and romantic times together. 
> 
> Sorry for the long rant, I just thought i would explain a bit! until next time! I will try to write some skating time now....to not get too off-topic! :P


End file.
